But here are the things I'm pondering:
1. Darrin is a Bishop. RS President is a very demanding calling, even with the best of counselors. That will be both parents in our home in rather involved church service, which doesn't leave much time for parenting, and other important "home" issues.
2. I'm still pretty fragile, emotionally. My eating disorder, while manageable at this time, is still ever present, and it doesn't take much stress to push me toward that place where I feel absolute control. And I have intimacy issues with my husband that I've got to resolve soon. I'm not certain it's wise to add more stress to all this.
3. My kids just got their mom back after about five months of me being gone, emotionally. This calling will definitely take time from them. And while they're great kids and they'll absolutely support me, I'm not sure that this is the best thing for them.
4. If I accept this calling I won't be able to keep up the support I've been giving my friend. And something I've not talked about in my blog is that he's not the only one. There's a young lady with SSA whom I've been trying to lend support to as she ends a relationship. And there are a few other men and women with whom I correspond, both in e-mail and in person, trying to help ease their burdens as they travel a challenging path in dealing with their attractions and longings for members of their own genders. Let's face it, there's not a lot of understanding, love, or acceptance for people in the church who share my affinity--and while it's been difficult and demanding to give so much time to those I find, and to those who find me--I have to do it. I was SO lonely, as I tried to discover the pathway that was right for me. Some of those I talk to choose a path different from the one I chose--but they still need love and support as they walk forward. And I love them. With all my heart. I just can't help it. And truthfully, I've felt that the Lord approves of my interaction with these choice brothers and sisters. But I don't know if I can keep supporting and loving in the same way if I accept this new calling. No, the truth is that I DO know that I CAN'T keep up the communication, love and support for them and still fulfill all that will be required of me with my new responsibilities--and that knowledge is agonizing.
5. I'm not sure I can even feel the Spirit if it speaks to me, at this point. I'm too confused, and sort of miserable.
6. I'm VERY concerned that I need to keep healing, emotionally. I really want to continue exploring what's inside me, to face my past. I'm finally strong enough, I think, and the support that's currently available to me is amazing. But I have a horrible habit of concentrating on other things to avoid what is bothering me, personally. Especially if those personal issues are painful. I have to concentrate on only ME, in order to work through those issues. And while that may seem self-centered or selfish, it is the only way I have found that I can actually address and resolve the emotional stresses caused by past abuse and other events. Being RS Pres. will give me ample opportunities to avoid taking care of myself. I'm very afraid that once I get into the calling, I will shelve all my issues, and possibly even regress a bit in order to cope with the responsibilities.
Okay--I have written down all, or at least the majority, of my concerns. Now I have to decide what to do.
My bishop thinks I can make a decision this weekend. He may be in for a surprise.