I didn't sleep last night. I kept finding bruises in places I'd not noticed before. On top of that, I popped some sort of blood vessel in my foot and it turned blackish purple on my arch and instep, and swelled up. I woke up feeling miserable and very stupid. My arm scrapes are lovely. Needless to say, no run for me. I read scriptures, prayed, and felt sorry for myself.
I went to work and dealt with tardy tax filers, IRS problem resolution customers, and found that I had made a BIG mistake on a return last year that neither I, nor the client in question, saw before submitting the return. My day was getting better and better. I went home at noon.
Darrin was home for lunch and wanted to discuss our trip to Vegas. He'll be in workshops the whole time, and signed me up for some, as well. I don't want to talk about it. I've been in the process of moving my business computer data from one machine to another, and I was concentrating on that. Darrin kept trying to talk, then made some snide comment about "even a MAN talks more than you do lately..." and went back to work. Wow, that came out of nowhere--and it's really not like Darrin at all. And what does that comment even MEAN??? Men talk all the time--I've seen them do it.
I worked all afternoon on my business computer move. Darrin got home around 6:30, and we went to the store to get stuff for dinner--it's too hot to cook--which is actually a pretty funny thing to say, because it's only 89 degrees--just pleasantly warm when you don't sit at 8000 feet. Here, that's pretty hot. Darrin and I TALKED while we shopped. I brought him up to date about work, the kids, my business, my blog communications, and David. He talked about the convention, travel plans, and work, and asked how the car was running (it's running well, and I thanked him profusely). He wanted to talk about my friends death. I told him, not yet.
We ate a very late supper (7:45), finished around 8:30, and put the kids to bed--still working on getting them acclimated to the earlier New York time zone, so it won't be such a shock when they get there. I worked some more on the computer updates and wrote in my blog. We went to bed around 10:00.
I lay quietly for a long time after Darrin slept. I realized how broken I am. What a coward I am. I have someone who would listen, who would try to help me, who will love me in any circumstance. I have a wonderful support system, a beautiful family. And I'm too afraid to take advantage of any of it. And for just a few minutes, with all my heart, with my whole being, I hated my cousin for hurting me, for robbing me of my innocence. Then with an even greater intensity, I hated myself for allowing him to do so.