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Magical World

Wouldn't it be lovely if, with just a twitch of the nose, life, or any aspect of it could be changed. Instead, positive changes always seem to involve tremendously hard work, determination, and endless setbacks. How lovely it would be to have the powers of Samantha Stephens.

Thursday, July 06, 2006

Investment Tip of the Day...Week...Month...

The floodgates are open. I started crying last week and now I can't stop. My preferred brand of tissues is regular Puffs. I suggest to anyone who happens onto this post, that they rush to the company site and invest in the stock. Unless something changes drastically in the near future, I will personally be responsible for a sizable profit margin in their company this year.

There are two types of tears I'm experiencing. The first, as mentioned in a former post, is triggered by the incredible feelings of sadness that overwhelm me in a setting with which those feelings are incongruous. I don't know what more to say about that, except that I'm embarrassed, frustrated, and confused by the event of those feelings and subsequent, uncontrollable weeping. However, an aside to stock purchasers, just so you know, I usually cry in the bathroom when this happens, so an investment in Charmin Ultra Bath Tissue might also be advisable.

The second type of tears occurs much more frequently and unpredictably. Sometimes, when I'm with people who are close to me, I've actually felt that they love me. Acts of kindness are no longer suspect. When love is expressed to me, I don't wonder what the person wants from me, and I've stopped making excuses to myself as to why it can't be possible for that person to love me. I think these are positive steps, but, unfortunately, the side effect is a little unexpected and embarrassing. "I'm having trouble with my contacts," are words heard frequently from my lips, as tears roll down my cheeks, and I make use of my investment worthy Puffs tissue.

The amazing thing to me now, is that I'm starting to be okay with that second type of crying. When the tears subside I don't feel confused or frustrated. I feel peaceful, and very blessed. Someone loves me!! What an incredible discovery!! And that person doesn't seem to care that I couldn't protect myself from the disrespect and contempt shown me by my cousin--it doesn't matter to him/her that I'm unclean, broken, not perfect. I thought Darrin was the only one in the world who could feel that way about me. I suppose the most astonishing thing about this particular aspect of accepting love from others, is that I think I'm finally starting to understand that I can love who I am, who I have become...I can stop wondering if I'll ever be clean again, whole again, and just live with the person who is presently "me". The feelings of gratitude this inspires are overwhelming, and the tears that accompany those feelings are abundant and unpredictable.

When I realize how much I love those whose love I am finally accepting, the circle is complete. More tears, of course (and more tissues). Why has it taken me so long to figure this out? I've missed out on so much...

For anyone reading this who might actually love me (I'm entertaining the possibility), don't worry, I'm drinking lots of water. Dehydration won't become an issue. But speaking of water, I've been drinking tons of the Sam's Choice bottled water--just another investment tip.


  • At Thursday, July 06, 2006 8:18:00 PM, Blogger Kim Mack said…

    I'm afraid to tell you I love you ... being I'm an SSA woman and all. ;)


  • At Thursday, July 06, 2006 11:27:00 PM, Blogger AttemptingthePath said…

    I think i can unlike Kim say that I do love you and not have it be weird!

    so yeah, I love you! *hug*

  • At Friday, July 07, 2006 9:40:00 AM, Blogger Ward Cleaver said…

    Just as you see many wonderful qualities in me...I, too, see extraordinary qualities in you.

    I am SO glad, yet envious, of your recent healing and discovery. Your descriptions seem so foreign to me...yet I strive for those goals.

    I find it amazing that we're friends in this modern technology cyber world. What a unique friendship! It's amazing that such technology allows amazing discoveries and friendship to occur. It's amazing how virtual strangers can be virtual friends and virtually "touch" one another.

    In friendship...........
    In a brotherly way......
    Through Christ..........

    .....I love you!

  • At Friday, July 07, 2006 6:40:00 PM, Blogger Samantha said…

    Okay, accepting that I can be loved, and knowing how to respond when it's expressed, are two different things.

    But...Wow!--ATP and Ward, you guys are the greatest!! Thanks, and I love you, too.

    Kim, maybe someday we'll BOTH be in a place where we're not afraid anymore? It's still part of my "list"... :)


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