What Is Happening To Me?
I was ready to stay where I was, content and numb.
I'm so tired of feelings.
I really thought I could just relax a bit, and stop caring for awhile.
I can't. WHY?
I see my husband and my heart leaps. I love him. He holds my hand and protects my defenseless soul.
My oldest son is tall and strong. His smile makes joy surge through me. He is pure sunshine.
My youngest son is sensitive, inquisitive, and growing taller every second. He looks me in the eye and hugs me.
My daughter is capricious, impulsive, beautiful...She meets me each morning for a kiss and a cuddle.
I am surrounded by people who force me to love.
I thought I wanted to stop feeling--just for a day or two. The problem is that now I have a basis of comparison. It's like watching a really gorgeous sunset from behind a smudged car window. And the REAL problem is, I don't have a reason, anymore, to retreat, but every reason to stay in the open.
What am I afraid of? Am I afraid that I might actually live? Am I afraid that if I stretch my wings I'll find I know how to fly--that I always knew, I just never did it? Am I afraid that I've spent the last 20 years of my life fighting for a prize I had already won?
I can't stay in the comfort of numbness anymore. And it's not because I need to be available to my husband and children. It's not because I know I need to be a better friend. It's not because it's the right thing to do.
I think it's because I don't want to stay there anymore. I know what I'm missing.
I'm so tired of feelings.
I really thought I could just relax a bit, and stop caring for awhile.
I can't. WHY?
I see my husband and my heart leaps. I love him. He holds my hand and protects my defenseless soul.
My oldest son is tall and strong. His smile makes joy surge through me. He is pure sunshine.
My youngest son is sensitive, inquisitive, and growing taller every second. He looks me in the eye and hugs me.
My daughter is capricious, impulsive, beautiful...She meets me each morning for a kiss and a cuddle.
I am surrounded by people who force me to love.
I thought I wanted to stop feeling--just for a day or two. The problem is that now I have a basis of comparison. It's like watching a really gorgeous sunset from behind a smudged car window. And the REAL problem is, I don't have a reason, anymore, to retreat, but every reason to stay in the open.
What am I afraid of? Am I afraid that I might actually live? Am I afraid that if I stretch my wings I'll find I know how to fly--that I always knew, I just never did it? Am I afraid that I've spent the last 20 years of my life fighting for a prize I had already won?
I can't stay in the comfort of numbness anymore. And it's not because I need to be available to my husband and children. It's not because I know I need to be a better friend. It's not because it's the right thing to do.
I think it's because I don't want to stay there anymore. I know what I'm missing.
posted by Samantha @ 10:57 PM
3 Comments:
At Sunday, June 25, 2006 1:43:00 AM,
Jason Lockhart said…
I think the idea of your leaving the comfort of numbness because you actually want to is awesome. Sounds like your family is wonderful.
At Monday, June 26, 2006 10:36:00 AM,
That One Guy said…
Growth is good - scary - but good... Keep it up. Boy, what would this world be like if mroe people were as in touch with their lives as you are?
Keep your head up, and keep going in EXACTLY the direction youa re headed.
TOG.
At Tuesday, June 27, 2006 8:49:00 PM,
-L- said…
I feel like I have no right to comment because I'm so far behind on your blog! I can't even read it all now because time gets away from me. But I particularly enjoyed "Am I afraid that I've spent the last 20 years of my life fighting for a prize I had already won?"
How wonderfully stimulating to think about!
You are great.
Post a Comment
<< Home