What Is Happening To Me?
I'm so tired of feelings.
I really thought I could just relax a bit, and stop caring for awhile.
I can't. WHY?
I see my husband and my heart leaps. I love him. He holds my hand and protects my defenseless soul.
My oldest son is tall and strong. His smile makes joy surge through me. He is pure sunshine.
My youngest son is sensitive, inquisitive, and growing taller every second. He looks me in the eye and hugs me.
My daughter is capricious, impulsive, beautiful...She meets me each morning for a kiss and a cuddle.
I am surrounded by people who force me to love.
I thought I wanted to stop feeling--just for a day or two. The problem is that now I have a basis of comparison. It's like watching a really gorgeous sunset from behind a smudged car window. And the REAL problem is, I don't have a reason, anymore, to retreat, but every reason to stay in the open.
What am I afraid of? Am I afraid that I might actually live? Am I afraid that if I stretch my wings I'll find I know how to fly--that I always knew, I just never did it? Am I afraid that I've spent the last 20 years of my life fighting for a prize I had already won?
I can't stay in the comfort of numbness anymore. And it's not because I need to be available to my husband and children. It's not because I know I need to be a better friend. It's not because it's the right thing to do.
I think it's because I don't want to stay there anymore. I know what I'm missing.