Click here to play music

Magical World

Wouldn't it be lovely if, with just a twitch of the nose, life, or any aspect of it could be changed. Instead, positive changes always seem to involve tremendously hard work, determination, and endless setbacks. How lovely it would be to have the powers of Samantha Stephens.

Saturday, June 24, 2006


I awoke this morning to the familiar feeling of numbness that I haven't felt in months. I recognized it immediately--me, unable to cope with whatever emotional problems I'm having in my life. I ignored it, did my morning devotional (largely unspiritual and ineffective), got up and vented in my blog. Then I checked e-mail. I had a message from one of David's e-mail buddies. In it he let me know that he'd given David access to HIS blog. There were strings attached, of course--don't look at the comments, trust issues, etc. I left and went for a run. This is too much to think about.

On my run, which felt wonderful, I thought about what to do next. The e-mail buddy trusts David. Honestly, it's not that I don't, but I KNOW that boy. He would never try to breach trust on purpose, but he's highly curious, loves to explore and experiment, and he knows me well enough that if he ever encountered a comment by Samantha, he'd know it was me. And I'm not sure he could resist the temptation to visit my blog. I decided I was going to have to talk to him. That's not going to be easy, in light of the facts that 1. I really don't want to. 2. I just turned him over to God, and I'm happy with that arrangement. I ran about four miles, turned around and ran home. The butterflies are everywhere. It's beautiful.

It was much later than I had realized. I had told Janie I'd call about picking up Tabitha around 10:00. It was now 10:45. I called and talked to L who is staying with her siblings today, since her parents left early this morning. I arranged to pick up Tabitha at 11:30, after I'd showered. She seemed anxious for Tabitha to leave, so I hurried.

I got to Amy's house with a few minutes to spare. L was gone to the doctor for her post-partum check-up (hence, her reasoning for wanting me to come get Tabitha). She took the baby with her. Amy wanted me to stay so I could see the baby when L got back, but I told Tabitha to gather her things and get ready to go. I started talking with Gary. He was drawing pictures. I told him I couldn't draw well. He said he couldn't either. We decided to have an ugly picture contest. It morphed into a weirdest picture contest. We were laughing at our drawings. Gary showed me how to "shadow write" while writing with two crayons held in one hand. He's going into first grade next year, and writes really well. I asked him if he liked to write. He grinned at me, then started writing something, sheilding it so I couldn't see. I asked if it was a secret. He nodded. I asked if he was writing a secret note to me. He nodded again. I asked if he was going to give it to me when it was finished. He smiled and said yes. He finished the note, tore it from the paper and handed it to me. Four words: "I dont to right". Translation, he doesn't like to write. I was pretty impressed that even though the word was used out of context, he still spelled "right" correctly.

L arrived with the baby--I had stayed too long. We took Tabitha's stuff to the car then went back in to peek at the baby and say good-by. I called down the staircase, "David, you didn't say hello, but you could come say good-by!!" L asked if he was down there. I nodded. There was silence for a moment, then David said, "I would have come up if I was showered." "Like that matters!!" I said. David came upstairs. L gave me a look, then said, "YOU wouldn't even come to get Tabitha till you showered." We laughed. Then I told David I wanted him to come see me. He said he'd come in about an hour--after lunch and a shower. I took Tabitha and went home. David came an hour later, and we talked. It was a good thing to do.

David left around 3:00, taking DJ with him. Tabitha was outside playing with friends. Adam was watching TV. I did some housework, then studied for about an hour. I have to take my exam in a week. DJ came home around 5:30, and we all went to Walmart to shop for Adam's movie night. We picked up burgers and potatoes for dinner.

Adam's friends arrived at 7:00. They watched "Sandlot", then "Napoleon Dynamite". They were really fun boys. There were three twelve-year-olds (including Adam), and a young man who just turned fourteen this week. They ate tons of junk food, and milled around, talking, while they watched the movies. One of them had the "Napoleon" dialogue memorized. Everyone told him to shut up, then they all laughed. Darrin took everyone home at 10:00. This is SO good for Adam. He's been struggling, trying to connect with the boys his age. It was a really positive experience for him to host them tonight.

We put the kids to bed, then Darrin wanted to talk. He's been concerned as I've shut down, emotionally, but noticed I seem better tonight. I am. We chatted for about an hour, then went to bed. I was asleep before he joined me--he takes FOREVER to get ready for bed.


  • At Saturday, June 24, 2006 2:44:00 PM, Blogger Ward Cleaver said…

    I enjoyed the "butterfly" metaphor. An interesting observation of your feelings inside.....of life...etc.

    I wonder WHY you noticed them. What do YOU think butterflies mean....what do they represent?

    You find security in being numb?

  • At Saturday, June 24, 2006 3:09:00 PM, Blogger Samantha said…

    Butterflies, flowers, blue sky, snowstorms, lightening, thunderstorms, clouds, oceans, sunrises, sunsets, twilight, midnight, stars, moonrise....there's so much that's beautiful...

    Feelings are scary to me. Love is scary...

    Neil Gaiman expressed some of what I feel in this quote: "Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness... It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain.”

    Yes, I find security in being numb.

  • At Saturday, June 24, 2006 3:25:00 PM, Blogger Ward Cleaver said…

    What would Jesus do?

    What would Jesus say?


Post a Comment

<< Home

eXTReMe Tracker