Confession

Okay, I wish I had written this before anyone started visiting me. But this is my blog, and I started it so I would have a place to leave all the crap that's inside me, and hopefully it would make me a better person. Obviously, it's not going to change who I am, inherently. But at least it gives me a chance to be honest with myself, even if I don't know how to deal with that truth.

Today I woke up and realized I've made NO progress dealing with all the emotional immaturity in my life. I realized that because, in spite of how hard I thought I was trying--I'm back. I don't care anymore. I've managed to isolate myself again. I think, on some level, I knew I was doing it. I also think I didn't care. Darrin knows. It's one of the things we talked about on our late night/early morning chat. He knows that I'm not feeling anything anymore. He knows I'm not reaching out to people anymore. He's watched my interactions with others and he says I'm putting on the "act" again...so....WHAT?????!!!!!????

Darrin suggested that I needed to let David know what I was struggling with, hand him off to God for a while, let him be independent--try his wings, so that I could concentrate on the problems inside me. So I did. What Darrin doesn't understand was that my link with David was the only thing that was keeping me from finishing what I'd started, emotionally. And now that I took Darrin's advice, and set the kiddo free, there's nothing left. I woke up today and realized, I'm back. Right where I started from. The only progress I've made is that I sifted through the nastiness of the abuse, resolved it, and don't feel anymore pain from that area in my life--but, come to think of it, I'm really not feeling much of anything right now, so maybe that's not valid.

So the walls are up. I'm finally accepting that this has been happening for at least a month. And since my illustrious counselor has trained me so well, I must analyze how this feels. IT FEELS WONDERFUL!!!! For the first time in six months, I feel safe, protected, and strong. It feels normal, natural. It feels beautiful. I finally feel that I can function again in my life without worrying about how other people feel about me. It doesn't matter if they love me or hate me. It doesn't matter if I answer my phone when they call. It doesn't matter if I don't make contact for days, weeks, months. I don't feel that I have to go out of my way to maintain relationships. Those that really matter will be the ones with my immediate family and we interact daily. We'll be fine. I don't feel that I have to put myself "out there" anymore. I can just be me.

My bishop told me that I would have so much more joy if I would let myself be vulnerable--if I would open up to other people. I just have to say HE WAS SOOOOO WRONG!!! Being in that position SUCKS!!!! I HATE it!!!! No joy there. None. Just insecurity, stress, misery. My way is much better.

I'm not telling Darrin. I'm not talking about this to anyone. I'm only honest about this here, because I don't want to hear what they have to say. I'm tired of all that TRYING crap. I just want to live again.