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Magical World

Wouldn't it be lovely if, with just a twitch of the nose, life, or any aspect of it could be changed. Instead, positive changes always seem to involve tremendously hard work, determination, and endless setbacks. How lovely it would be to have the powers of Samantha Stephens.

Friday, June 23, 2006

Confession

Okay, I wish I had written this before anyone started visiting me. But this is my blog, and I started it so I would have a place to leave all the crap that's inside me, and hopefully it would make me a better person. Obviously, it's not going to change who I am, inherently. But at least it gives me a chance to be honest with myself, even if I don't know how to deal with that truth.

Today I woke up and realized I've made NO progress dealing with all the emotional immaturity in my life. I realized that because, in spite of how hard I thought I was trying--I'm back. I don't care anymore. I've managed to isolate myself again. I think, on some level, I knew I was doing it. I also think I didn't care. Darrin knows. It's one of the things we talked about on our late night/early morning chat. He knows that I'm not feeling anything anymore. He knows I'm not reaching out to people anymore. He's watched my interactions with others and he says I'm putting on the "act" again...so....WHAT?????!!!!!????

Darrin suggested that I needed to let David know what I was struggling with, hand him off to God for a while, let him be independent--try his wings, so that I could concentrate on the problems inside me. So I did. What Darrin doesn't understand was that my link with David was the only thing that was keeping me from finishing what I'd started, emotionally. And now that I took Darrin's advice, and set the kiddo free, there's nothing left. I woke up today and realized, I'm back. Right where I started from. The only progress I've made is that I sifted through the nastiness of the abuse, resolved it, and don't feel anymore pain from that area in my life--but, come to think of it, I'm really not feeling much of anything right now, so maybe that's not valid.

So the walls are up. I'm finally accepting that this has been happening for at least a month. And since my illustrious counselor has trained me so well, I must analyze how this feels. IT FEELS WONDERFUL!!!! For the first time in six months, I feel safe, protected, and strong. It feels normal, natural. It feels beautiful. I finally feel that I can function again in my life without worrying about how other people feel about me. It doesn't matter if they love me or hate me. It doesn't matter if I answer my phone when they call. It doesn't matter if I don't make contact for days, weeks, months. I don't feel that I have to go out of my way to maintain relationships. Those that really matter will be the ones with my immediate family and we interact daily. We'll be fine. I don't feel that I have to put myself "out there" anymore. I can just be me.

My bishop told me that I would have so much more joy if I would let myself be vulnerable--if I would open up to other people. I just have to say HE WAS SOOOOO WRONG!!! Being in that position SUCKS!!!! I HATE it!!!! No joy there. None. Just insecurity, stress, misery. My way is much better.

I'm not telling Darrin. I'm not talking about this to anyone. I'm only honest about this here, because I don't want to hear what they have to say. I'm tired of all that TRYING crap. I just want to live again.

4 Comments:

  • At Friday, June 23, 2006 8:10:00 AM, Blogger Ward Cleaver said…

    Of course under your own protection.....behind your walls.....under YOUR control....you will feel safe.

    I know because that's where I live.

    I know for a FACT, when we step out of our comfort zone....in good FAITH.....we experience Jesus Christ in ALL his glory.

    Pain...the chance of pain.....let's us know we're alive.
    Self protection makes us numb.

    What are you teaching your children?

    What are you SO afraid of?

     
  • At Friday, June 23, 2006 8:36:00 AM, Blogger Kim Mack said…

    I am quite certain I'm missing the entire point. Maybe I'm missing it on purpose .. ;) But ...

    For the first time in six months, I feel safe, protected, and strong. It feels normal, natural. It feels beautiful. I finally feel that I can function again in my life without worrying about how other people feel about me. It doesn't matter if they love me or hate me. It doesn't matter if I answer my phone when they call.

    ... this sounds perfectly healthy to me. I'm all for relaxing, being yourself, and allowing relationships to be what the are without so much effort to change and bend it to be something "expected."

    I'm a future therapist ... I guess my future clients should be very afraid ... :)

     
  • At Friday, June 23, 2006 12:02:00 PM, Blogger Elbow said…

    Girl, you are raw and angressive. You have femininity and confidence all rolled up in one big amalgamation of who you think you should be. But do you feel peace?

    You are right...no more trying. "just Be" for awhile. Be whatever you want and keep analyzing what's going on in the inner workings of your emotions.

    You feel this way for a reason...deep down, what is behind it? I ask because it always helps me to look a little deeper than I want to.

    Embrace the moment you are going through because your life is as fluid as mine. You let your guard up one day, and the next day there's nothing but an open field.

     
  • At Friday, June 23, 2006 7:01:00 PM, Blogger Samantha said…

    Ward--I know, I know. Same old stuff for me, right?? I wish I knew why I was so afraid. Good to know I'm in good company--maybe we should "come out" together (I'm referring to the walls, not the other thing).

    Kim--I WISH you were right. Unfortunately, this is a problem I've been fighting for a long time-isolation, self-protection, control... Still, for a day or two I think I'll just enjoy my regression.

    Elbow--Trust you to allow me my feelings while making me uncomfortable in them--encouraging me to stretch even while enjoying the moment. Contradictions...
    What is peace? and for me, looking deep inside is way too painful--at least today.

    All--Thanks for your words. I needed to see them.

     

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