This morning it was NOT warm. I checked blogs, read e-mail, did my devotional--waited for it to get warmer outside. Finally, I decided to run anyway. The temperature was 39 degrees, and it was windy. I didn't see anyone else running. Maybe because it was cool outside, I was able to put in an extra mile before turning around to come home. I did a bunch of thinking while I ran.
Even though I've come a long way, emotionally, from where I was before December, there are still some things I need to work on. I no longer hate/fear young men--at all. That's a HUGE relief. I can think about the abuse in my life--something I would never allow myself to do before. I don't hate my abuser. I actually feel at peace about what happened to me. Sort of. I say sort of because there are still some behaviors and thoughts that hang on. I can't seem to rid myself of them. The thoughts that I can't get rid of are these: I wonder what it was about ME that caused my cousin to think he could, or want to, abuse me. I wonder why he chose me--I have four sisters. I wonder how he knew that I would allow the abuse to take place, and allow it to continue. I still wonder WHY I let that happen--even though I sort of know. I still wish I had told someone, even a sibling. I still want to make it go away. I know I can't, but I want to.
The behaviors are something else. I think they've become habitual. I'm not sure that I can stop them by myself, but I desperately don't want to go back into counseling, especially not with my recent counselor. One behavior of which I can't seem to rid myself, is the need to complicate my life with projects, instead of sorting through the feelings and emotions that make me sad/frustrated/miserable. I don't necessarily think it's bad to keep busy, to not dwell on things...but there's a difference between "not dwelling" and "running/hiding". I do the latter.
Another behavior is one that occurs in interpersonal relationships. My friendships are interesting. I have many friends. I believe most of them would call themselves "close" friends. I think they are close friends, in that they can call me at pretty much any time to talk, they discuss their problems with me, we go to lunch, we enjoy each other's company. HOWEVER, I do not discuss MY problems with them, I do not call them to talk, and it seems I have some weird friendship rules. Rule 1: We don't talk about me, personally. We can discuss my husband and kids, my job, the church, good movies we've seen or books we've read. But we don't discuss Samantha--especially not her past, her feelings, her thoughts or dreams. You must never know anything personal about me. Rule 2: If Rule 1 is broken, the friendship must end.
Okay, I know that's just stupid. Unfortunately, that's how my friendships have worked. And I'm really good at discontinuing relationships. I just get busier and busier, until my "friend" realizes I just don't have time for her anymore. We'll see each other, and she'll mention that it would be fun to get together. I'll agree, but make sure there's no time for that to happen. Eventually, even if we run into each other, she won't mention it anymore. I thought I'd finished cycling through that, in my friendships, but my relationship with David has proven me wrong. Of course, he knows more personal stuff about me than anyone except my husband. But as long as he needed me, as long and there was no one else to turn to, I allowed our friendship to continue. However, as soon as I could see that he was more independent, and as the number of people in his support system began to grow, I started to look for ways to bail out. I think the only reason it didn't happen, is because, somehow, I've really come to love him, and I'm hoping that on a sub-conscious level, something human inside of me wants the friendship to continue.
There's a great deal of turmoil and agony being created inside of me because of this. Right now, I'm not sure how to deal with it. Darrin and I talked about it today. He's really concerned that I'll do something to end the relationship that will hurt David. I won't. Darrin thinks I'm becoming irrational. I'm not. I'm just frustrated because, for the first time in many years, I have to stop a pattern that has (I thought) brought me peace. I have to deal with emotions I don't want to. I have to learn how to continue a relationship that is a little unusual in the first place--but maybe it's good to start with something like this. It will make the "normal" friendships easier to deal with. Over the past few weeks, I've starting to feel urges to "end" my relationship with Janie. So far, I've suppressed them. I'm hoping that if I have success in my friendship with David, it will trickle down to others. I can't believe I'm writing this--it's too weird for words. I need to think about this some more. I need to come up with some sort of plan, if possible. I need to stop running away from people, just because I can't cope with the fact that they actually know me. I'm SO WEIRD!!
Classes were awesome today. Rehearsals went well. We have our concert tomorrow, and are mostly ready for the performance. I got home at 3:30--my house was empty. Adam is camping with Grandpa. DJ is still at the university. Darrin is at work--and will be there till about midnight doing inventory tonight. I can't find Tabitha. I assume she's with my mom. I called the house and left a message, then did the same on my mom's cell phone. I told her if Tabitha was with her, to please have her come home.
The phone rang as I hung it up. It was Janie. We were supposed to go out tonight (I forgot), and she was calling to cancel. I told her that was fine. We discussed rescheduling, decided to wait until we were both finished teaching our classes, and left it at that. Janie asked if Tabitha was available to talk to Annie--I said I was still trying to locate my daughter, and I'd have her call as soon as she came home. Tabitha got home a few minutes later, called Annie and arranged for her to spend the evening with us. I picked up both DJ and Annie around 5:00, we went to dinner, then went home. DJ got ready and left for his evening activity. Tabitha, Annie and I made a cake. The girls were very cute, made a horrible mess, and giggled non-stop. I took Annie home at 9:30, and picked up DJ en route. I sent DJ and Tabitha to bed, and did laundry while I waited for Darrin to get home.
Darrin arrived at midnight. He was exhausted. He'd been working since 7 AM, and he was sick most of the day--something intestinal, poor guy. He didn't get to sleep right away, because his stomach was still bothering him. We finally both fell asleep around 2 AM.