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Magical World

Wouldn't it be lovely if, with just a twitch of the nose, life, or any aspect of it could be changed. Instead, positive changes always seem to involve tremendously hard work, determination, and endless setbacks. How lovely it would be to have the powers of Samantha Stephens.

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Pride, Fear, and Reality

Elbow left a comment today. He said, "I was going to comment on the fact that you are so strict about distancing yourself from David, and that the reason might be...pride. I hate saying that, but I could be totally off base. But it seems like you don't want to have "problems" anymore, and that David reminds you that you are human, so you naturally want to feel above that." His words are true. I've never had a problem recognizing the truth--even when it diminishes me. To take things a little further, it's not just that David reminds me that I'm human, but he reminds me of a time when I was vulnerable, a time when I needed him. And I hate that.

The Lord has always placed key people in my life to help me. I think HE thought it was a grand joke that when I needed to heal from extensive sexual abuse caused by a young man, He placed another young man with the same name in my life. There have never been two people more different from each other, than those two David's. But just as I felt I had to submit to the first David who harmed me, I almost felt a need to submit to the Lord and allow the second David to help me heal. That's where the pride comes in. I had to accept help from a young man, and because of it, I am better--but I didn't get to do it by myself (I sound like a 3-year-old).

I'll also admit that I never present my problems to the world (except in my blog). David once accused me of being "too perfect". Basically, if there's something I'm not good at, or something at which I've completely failed, I just don't talk about it. My mom does--she tells anyone who will listen how lousy she is at everything. I think she does it so they'll respond by building her up, which many listeners do. I guess I just feel that I know if I'm bad at something, I'm aware of my failures, there's no need to broadcast the fact that I can't do something. On the flip side, I don't tell people what I'm good at either. Let's just say that I don't find myself a fun topic of conversation (even on my blog, it's not very fun).

So is there a pride problem here? Yeah, definitely, no question about it. I hate being reminded that I have a severe deficit when it comes to building relationships, that I had the humbling experience of needing to accept help from a 16-17 year old, that I don't know how to be a "real" person who just knows how to respond to others in any circumstance. I hate knowing that when I'm put in a position I perceive as vulnerable, I want to retreat--self-protect--build walls. I hate the fact that I can't be everything for myself, do everything for myself, and that I might actually need others in my life. Is that pride??? You betcha!!!

I think the fear thing is directly linked to the pride thing. I've done some soul searching today. What am I afraid of in my life?
1. I'm afraid that someday Darrin will realize who the person is that he actually married, and he'll stop loving me.
2. I'm afraid that someone might hurt one of my children.
3. I'm afraid that someday I'll figure out I'm really not that important in the grand scheme of things--so why am I here in the first place?
4. I'm afraid to cry, to let myself be sad, especially about the things that were painful in my past. I'm afraid, if I start, I won't be able to stop.
5. I'm afraid to love. Because that means someone can hurt me, and I'm really afraid of being hurt. Deep inside, I think that's the thing that scares me the most.

So all this brings me to the reality of everything. The reality is that, yes, I'm prideful, but not because I think I'm better than others, but because I'm afraid to look at the person I really am. I don't particularly like her. I think she is weak and overemotional, and she makes WAY too many mistakes. The reality is that I really don't believe Darrin will ever stop loving me, but there's NO WAY I will ever deserve his love. Someday, most certainly, someone will hurt each of my children, that's part of life. Someday, I'm going to have to decide if my life has importance or not, and make a decision about why I'm here right now. Someday I need to let myself cry and feel badly that there was so much hurt in my past, and I need to let myself cry about the things that hurt now. I just hope there are lots of tissues around, because I still feel like, if I start, I might never stop. Someday, I need to acknowledge that I really do know how to love, I do it on a regular basis, and if I get hurt, the Lord will send someone (it might be a teenager) to help me heal.

Someday. Maybe.


  • At Tuesday, June 13, 2006 12:45:00 PM, Blogger Elbow said…

    Wow. You are raw and it's so beautiful.

    I want to read your blog over and over because your fears are my fears and I too need to recognize my pride.

    I feel what you are saying and know what you mean about not feeling good enough to be loved by your spouse, and about really learning how to love.

    Where the irony comes in is that we can't learn to love others until we have come to love ourselves (so cliche I know). But I feel strongly that once I embrace myself fully and love who I see, then that is when the love will permeate and become part of every aspect of my life. Not just my wife, but my Heavenly Father as well.

  • At Wednesday, June 14, 2006 5:39:00 AM, Blogger Samantha said…

    I know that what you're saying is true. My problem is that right now, I just want to immerse myself in THINGS, and forget about PEOPLE.

    Love is very scary to me.

  • At Wednesday, June 14, 2006 2:38:00 PM, Blogger Ward Cleaver said…

    I think life without love is MORE scary.

    I am encouraged by your questions....your search for answers...the answers (thus far).

  • At Wednesday, June 14, 2006 6:31:00 PM, Blogger -L- said…

    I wanted to comment a few days ago about David and your new reluctance in your relationship him, but it seemed like you weren't in the mood. Now I feel a lot less certain about what I was going to say, so I won't bother. I'll just offer this instead:

    One thing that I do relate to right now is the difficulty of consciously recognizing that some relationships are helpful and some are harmful--even if they are all intended to be loving. You've got your friends that make you a better person and your friends that you make a better person and ideally they're the same. Unfortunately for me, I sometimes feel like I have to endure in a relationship that is harming my soul out of a sense of loving obligation.

    I will qualify all that by saying that family relationships are exempt from speculation--you have to love those folks even if they suck. ;-) Luckily, sounds like Darren is a winner.

    If you can get back to a comfortable place for yourself, I'm sure David will benefit from your continued friendship. BTW, if David has been introduced to other gay mormon bloggers couldn't he find your blog?

  • At Wednesday, June 14, 2006 8:50:00 PM, Blogger Samantha said…

    I wish that you had commented anyway.

    You're right about relationships. I'm wondering how you would classify the one in question...

    Darrin IS a winner--which is why we've been married 20 years--he was blessed with an inordinate amount of strength and patience, and for some reason that escapes me, he continues to be in love with me.

    I'm headed for that comfortable place, and expect to be there soon. David has been introduced to a couple of bloggers through e-mail only, not to their blogs. We've discussed the pros and cons, seems prudent to begin with e-mail contact first. There's always the possibility he'll find my blog. When/if he does, the blog will be deleted.

  • At Thursday, June 15, 2006 2:27:00 AM, Blogger Kim Mack said…

    How will you know he's found it??

  • At Thursday, June 15, 2006 5:49:00 AM, Blogger Samantha said…

    I'll know.

  • At Thursday, June 15, 2006 6:29:00 AM, Blogger Ward Cleaver said…

    I would hate to see you go.

  • At Thursday, June 15, 2006 5:17:00 PM, Blogger -L- said…

    I can't really speculate on what kind of relationship yours is with David. I would hope that you both help each other be a better person. Sometimes we help others by merely being the recipient of their service.


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