Pride, Fear, and Reality

Elbow left a comment today. He said, "I was going to comment on the fact that you are so strict about distancing yourself from David, and that the reason might be...pride. I hate saying that, but I could be totally off base. But it seems like you don't want to have "problems" anymore, and that David reminds you that you are human, so you naturally want to feel above that." His words are true. I've never had a problem recognizing the truth--even when it diminishes me. To take things a little further, it's not just that David reminds me that I'm human, but he reminds me of a time when I was vulnerable, a time when I needed him. And I hate that.

The Lord has always placed key people in my life to help me. I think HE thought it was a grand joke that when I needed to heal from extensive sexual abuse caused by a young man, He placed another young man with the same name in my life. There have never been two people more different from each other, than those two David's. But just as I felt I had to submit to the first David who harmed me, I almost felt a need to submit to the Lord and allow the second David to help me heal. That's where the pride comes in. I had to accept help from a young man, and because of it, I am better--but I didn't get to do it by myself (I sound like a 3-year-old).

I'll also admit that I never present my problems to the world (except in my blog). David once accused me of being "too perfect". Basically, if there's something I'm not good at, or something at which I've completely failed, I just don't talk about it. My mom does--she tells anyone who will listen how lousy she is at everything. I think she does it so they'll respond by building her up, which many listeners do. I guess I just feel that I know if I'm bad at something, I'm aware of my failures, there's no need to broadcast the fact that I can't do something. On the flip side, I don't tell people what I'm good at either. Let's just say that I don't find myself a fun topic of conversation (even on my blog, it's not very fun).

So is there a pride problem here? Yeah, definitely, no question about it. I hate being reminded that I have a severe deficit when it comes to building relationships, that I had the humbling experience of needing to accept help from a 16-17 year old, that I don't know how to be a "real" person who just knows how to respond to others in any circumstance. I hate knowing that when I'm put in a position I perceive as vulnerable, I want to retreat--self-protect--build walls. I hate the fact that I can't be everything for myself, do everything for myself, and that I might actually need others in my life. Is that pride??? You betcha!!!

I think the fear thing is directly linked to the pride thing. I've done some soul searching today. What am I afraid of in my life?
1. I'm afraid that someday Darrin will realize who the person is that he actually married, and he'll stop loving me.
2. I'm afraid that someone might hurt one of my children.
3. I'm afraid that someday I'll figure out I'm really not that important in the grand scheme of things--so why am I here in the first place?
4. I'm afraid to cry, to let myself be sad, especially about the things that were painful in my past. I'm afraid, if I start, I won't be able to stop.
5. I'm afraid to love. Because that means someone can hurt me, and I'm really afraid of being hurt. Deep inside, I think that's the thing that scares me the most.

So all this brings me to the reality of everything. The reality is that, yes, I'm prideful, but not because I think I'm better than others, but because I'm afraid to look at the person I really am. I don't particularly like her. I think she is weak and overemotional, and she makes WAY too many mistakes. The reality is that I really don't believe Darrin will ever stop loving me, but there's NO WAY I will ever deserve his love. Someday, most certainly, someone will hurt each of my children, that's part of life. Someday, I'm going to have to decide if my life has importance or not, and make a decision about why I'm here right now. Someday I need to let myself cry and feel badly that there was so much hurt in my past, and I need to let myself cry about the things that hurt now. I just hope there are lots of tissues around, because I still feel like, if I start, I might never stop. Someday, I need to acknowledge that I really do know how to love, I do it on a regular basis, and if I get hurt, the Lord will send someone (it might be a teenager) to help me heal.

Someday. Maybe.