Monday

I rushed through my morning routine to get to the university early today. I had a bunch of stuff to photocopy for classes, and knew the line would be forever long. Darrin left for work early, and DJ biked to the university. I left Tabitha and Adam in bed. They're supposed to get up at their leisure, eat, do their chores, then go to my parents' house. They won't.

I got to my office and got my photocopying done--I was right, it took forever. I had about fifteen students in my first class--only six were registered. I was kind of surprised, since Piano Technique is typically not a popular class. One of my students is a gifted jazz improvisationalist. I only have him in this class. I wish he was in more of the piano classes, but he's immersed in all the jazz ensembles/classes. I'd love to work more with him.

I taught my morning classes, did some prep for the afternoon and went home. As I passed a classroom, I could hear a men's vocal jazz ensemble rehearsing. I could hear DJ singing. He blends very well, but I can always pick out my son's voice in small groups. I think he'd hate it if he knew that.

When I got home, Tabitha and Adam were fixing breakfast, still in their pajamas (noon). I suggested they get their chores done, shower, and see if their grandparents had some jobs for them to earn some money. They enthusiastically agreed. But I know, they won't go.

I went back and taught my ensemble groups. I have one very advanced student. She competes internationally, but always attends my classes in the summer. Usually we have another student advanced enough to work with her, but not this year. I'll have to be her ensemble partner--which means I'll have more to practice. But I love her, and we have a ball together--we laugh WAY too much when we're rehearsing. I'm trying to get her to do a Copeland arrangement, but he's difficult to read, and she wants something that won't make her work. Too bad. I told her to GO PRACTICE. She made a face, laughed and went to her practice room. I heard her going through the music a few minutes later. I have two other ensembles. They are made up of quite talented, hard-working kids. They'll be ready for performance before Friday, which means we can get lots of detail work done.

I left for home at 4:00. Adam was still at home, but dressed, and his chores were done. Tabitha was at my parents'. When Darrin, Tabitha, and DJ got home, we went out to dinner at a small Mexican restaurant we like, and got home around 8:30.

We relaxed a bit, then the kids went to bed. Darrin wanted to talk, of course. So I quit being horrible, and sat down with him. The truth is, I get frustrated when I know something's going on inside, but I can't figure out what. I think I finally understand what's happening, at least enough to express it.

About six weeks ago, I knew something was up with David. He just wasn't responding the way he used to, and he seemed to be stagnated in his growth. I asked him to come talk to me--he was reluctant, for the first time, and said he was too busy. I finally called him one day, asked if he was busy, and when he admitted he wasn't, suggested that would be a good time to talk. This was the time when he told me he was struggling because he was tired of trying to change. I realized, as I was reading his e-mail today, that I was sort of in the same spot.

And WHY did I go through all those months of counseling? I found myself reiterating the words David had said. I've worked hard to resolve past problems and abuse, I think I've made great progress, and I'm experiencing wonderful relief. But I think that's as far as I want to go. And I'm tired. Just as David didn't want to continue to confront his problems, I don't want to learn how to continue relationships. I don't want to stop building walls. I don't want to make myself emotionally available to more than my spouse and children--and that, only on a limited basis.

I admitted all this to Darrin. He was very quiet. I thought maybe he'd fallen asleep (which was alright with me). Then he said that this wasn't fair. Then he said, "For the past six months, you've been very immersed with David. You've been available to him when he needed you. You've shared problems and joy. You've built a beautiful friendship. You've expressed love. But the thing I'VE loved, is that you've become more availble to ME. For the first time, you've allowed ME to be a part of your problems and joys. I'VE felt like OUR friendship has become stronger. And you've expressed your love to me verbally and physically in ways you never have before. I don't want to let go of that."

I was crying before he finished. I hate crying. I REALLY hate it. I promised I'd keep trying to overcome the impulses that I'm feeling. I said I wouldn't isolate myself--but I want to. I told him I wouldn't retreat in to self-protection--but I WANT TO!!! My brain is telling me how stupid I am to want this. My heart is telling me how tired I am of trying to change. And in order to change, I have to keep trusting people, making myself vulnerable, and I have to keep loving them. I don't know if anyone can understand how hard this is for me. I REALLY don't want to care anymore.

Darrin asked me what I'm afraid of. I wish I knew. Something is making me afraid. I guess I have to figure it out. But I don't want to.