Wednesday

We had a windstorm this morning--no outdoor run for me. I ran on the boring treadmill for as long as I could stand it, then went through my morning routine. I'm feeling a little better today--less angry, less frustrated, less sad. Life is interesting.

Tabitha and Adam got up early today, and we spent the morning chatting and laughing. I was almost late for my first class, as a result. The day went very well--the classes were fun, and my ensemble groups have really practiced, so they sound great. We'll perform on Friday evening.

I got home around 3:00. Tabitha had gone swimming with my sister-in-law. Adam was vegging in front of the TV. He told me my dad was taking him camping tomorrow night. Hmmmm... that's the first I'd heard of that. Adam said my dad had discussed it with Darrin earlier today. So I guess Adam's going camping with grandpa tomorrow. Interesting--my dad doesn't really like to camp. He has Post-Polio Syndrome, and camping causes all kinds of pain for days afterward. I'm wondering why he's doing this.

DJ called to get a ride home from the University. I decided to take this opportunity to go to Walmart and grab some groceries, etc. DJ picked out some frozen pizzas while I got necessary groceries. We got home, made dinner, then took him to his concert. I was supposed to go to tonight's youth activities, but called another leader and asked her to take my place. I needed time to sort through all the crap that's inside me. I'm starting to feel a desperate need for relief.

I took another very long walk, then picked up DJ from the concert. We got home around 9:30, and Darrin and I put everyone to bed. Darrin had some computer work to do. I fell asleep on the couch, awoke at 11:30, and went to bed. Darrin joined me. He asked if I was feeling any better. Actually, I am, finally. I need to stop questioning the WHY's of everything, and just be grateful for all the blessings in my life. I need to get over myself, stop agonizing over the fact that I had the humbling experience of being helped by a teenager, and just thank the Lord that David has been willing to support me when I needed it most. I need to be a better friend--which is really the hard part for me.

Darrin was smiling at me when I finished telling him all that. He asked me if I really believed what I just said. I'm not sure. But I think I believe it tonight. Darrin laughed and kissed me. He told me he loved me. But just now, when I think things are getting back to "normal", I had another bad moment. I was resting on Darrin's chest, and he was holding me, and I had those horrible "I'm going to cry" feelings return. I just wanted to sob uncontrollably. I felt incredibly sad, and I knew I was going to cry. I kissed Darrin, hugged him, and moved away. I waited until I knew he was asleep, and then I cried. I don't know why. I'm finding all this very upsetting, and horribly confusing.