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Magical World

Wouldn't it be lovely if, with just a twitch of the nose, life, or any aspect of it could be changed. Instead, positive changes always seem to involve tremendously hard work, determination, and endless setbacks. How lovely it would be to have the powers of Samantha Stephens.

Thursday, June 15, 2006

Wednesday

We had a windstorm this morning--no outdoor run for me. I ran on the boring treadmill for as long as I could stand it, then went through my morning routine. I'm feeling a little better today--less angry, less frustrated, less sad. Life is interesting.

Tabitha and Adam got up early today, and we spent the morning chatting and laughing. I was almost late for my first class, as a result. The day went very well--the classes were fun, and my ensemble groups have really practiced, so they sound great. We'll perform on Friday evening.

I got home around 3:00. Tabitha had gone swimming with my sister-in-law. Adam was vegging in front of the TV. He told me my dad was taking him camping tomorrow night. Hmmmm... that's the first I'd heard of that. Adam said my dad had discussed it with Darrin earlier today. So I guess Adam's going camping with grandpa tomorrow. Interesting--my dad doesn't really like to camp. He has Post-Polio Syndrome, and camping causes all kinds of pain for days afterward. I'm wondering why he's doing this.

DJ called to get a ride home from the University. I decided to take this opportunity to go to Walmart and grab some groceries, etc. DJ picked out some frozen pizzas while I got necessary groceries. We got home, made dinner, then took him to his concert. I was supposed to go to tonight's youth activities, but called another leader and asked her to take my place. I needed time to sort through all the crap that's inside me. I'm starting to feel a desperate need for relief.

I took another very long walk, then picked up DJ from the concert. We got home around 9:30, and Darrin and I put everyone to bed. Darrin had some computer work to do. I fell asleep on the couch, awoke at 11:30, and went to bed. Darrin joined me. He asked if I was feeling any better. Actually, I am, finally. I need to stop questioning the WHY's of everything, and just be grateful for all the blessings in my life. I need to get over myself, stop agonizing over the fact that I had the humbling experience of being helped by a teenager, and just thank the Lord that David has been willing to support me when I needed it most. I need to be a better friend--which is really the hard part for me.

Darrin was smiling at me when I finished telling him all that. He asked me if I really believed what I just said. I'm not sure. But I think I believe it tonight. Darrin laughed and kissed me. He told me he loved me. But just now, when I think things are getting back to "normal", I had another bad moment. I was resting on Darrin's chest, and he was holding me, and I had those horrible "I'm going to cry" feelings return. I just wanted to sob uncontrollably. I felt incredibly sad, and I knew I was going to cry. I kissed Darrin, hugged him, and moved away. I waited until I knew he was asleep, and then I cried. I don't know why. I'm finding all this very upsetting, and horribly confusing.

4 Comments:

  • At Thursday, June 15, 2006 1:33:00 PM, Blogger Elbow said…

    Are you sure you're not confusing crying to mean something that it isn't?

    It seems like crying is a release right? So why is it bad. Let yourself cry, don't hide it, cry in front of your husband and just let him hold you while you let it out.

    You could be crying because you are getting out all the anxiety and hurt.

    It's just a thought. I wish that I could cry like that and that frequently. I love crying because when I do (Which is like never) I feel like I've let go of things and like I wash away hurt and bad feelings. But it's different of course for everybody.

    Thanks for sharing. You are doing great! And such a good mom, might I add.

     
  • At Thursday, June 15, 2006 7:05:00 PM, Blogger Samantha said…

    For most of my life, I've never cried about anything. Now the need to do so seems to crop up unexpectedly, all the time.

    I think I need to learn how to "let go of things and...wash away hurt and bad feelings", when I cry. I just don't know how. It makes me feel very weak and vulnerable.

    I appreciate your encouragement--especially about being a mom. I ADORE my kids.

     
  • At Saturday, June 17, 2006 8:30:00 PM, Blogger Ward Cleaver said…

    Are you "over analyzing?"

    It's a trap that I, personally, fall into. I get the feeling your doing the same thing.

    How are you feeling when you "dig in" your heels?

    Resistance causing problems?

     
  • At Saturday, June 17, 2006 10:29:00 PM, Blogger Samantha said…

    Over analyzing??? Of course I am!! It's what I do!

    As for your other questions--I don't know...I think, maybe, I need to analyze some more before I answer... :)

     

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