Sometimes I'm Tired Of Being Invisible

Picture deleted by the author (7-2-06).

I never thought I'd have the courage to post ANY pictures on my blog. I desperately don't want anyone close to me, anyone I know, to see what I am inside. I don't want them to see the turmoil, the hurt, the confusion. I don't want them to know that I struggle with ANYTHING. I like the life I've created for myself.

In my truly irresolute, contradictory tradition, I'm simultaneously tired of being invisible. I want to shout to everyone that my life is not what it seems. I want them to see my face. I want to share that everyday, normal people struggle with things that many might deem "queer", things that some homophiles will call cowardly, and some homophobes will call lack of self-control. I want them to know that the respected piano teacher/tax preparer/online editor/securities investor is not what she seems--that just as my life's occupations are varied and complex, so are my emotions and feelings--and they're MINE.

I can't do that, of course. I have three beautiful children and a husband who really don't need to deal with the kind of opposition that will raise for them. And truthfully, I see no lasting benefit.

This week I'm celebrating eyes--seeing--being seen. So for one week I will post my picture. This is who I am. I'm hoping it will help me stop feeling invisible. Maybe it will.

And in the meantime, I'm praying that no one I know accidentally finds my blog.

Confused? I know I am!