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Magical World

Wouldn't it be lovely if, with just a twitch of the nose, life, or any aspect of it could be changed. Instead, positive changes always seem to involve tremendously hard work, determination, and endless setbacks. How lovely it would be to have the powers of Samantha Stephens.

Sunday, June 25, 2006

Sometimes I'm Tired Of Being Invisible

Picture deleted by the author (7-2-06).

I never thought I'd have the courage to post ANY pictures on my blog. I desperately don't want anyone close to me, anyone I know, to see what I am inside. I don't want them to see the turmoil, the hurt, the confusion. I don't want them to know that I struggle with ANYTHING. I like the life I've created for myself.

In my truly irresolute, contradictory tradition, I'm simultaneously tired of being invisible. I want to shout to everyone that my life is not what it seems. I want them to see my face. I want to share that everyday, normal people struggle with things that many might deem "queer", things that some homophiles will call cowardly, and some homophobes will call lack of self-control. I want them to know that the respected piano teacher/tax preparer/online editor/securities investor is not what she seems--that just as my life's occupations are varied and complex, so are my emotions and feelings--and they're MINE.

I can't do that, of course. I have three beautiful children and a husband who really don't need to deal with the kind of opposition that will raise for them. And truthfully, I see no lasting benefit.

This week I'm celebrating eyes--seeing--being seen. So for one week I will post my picture. This is who I am. I'm hoping it will help me stop feeling invisible. Maybe it will.

And in the meantime, I'm praying that no one I know accidentally finds my blog.

Confused? I know I am!


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