I wanted to sleep in today--I don't know who I thought I was fooling. I was up with the sun. It's been this way pretty much every day of my life. If the sun is up, I MUST be. I did my morning routine quietly, letting everyone else sleep in.
So while I had some alone time, I did some writing in my blog, and some self-evaluation. Today I realized that I'm finished with my counseling--I'm on my own for the first time since January. It's a sobering thought, but somehow, very liberating. It's kind of amazing, because I'm a HUGE skeptic about "getting better" through counseling, but I think that's just what happened. I thought, one year ago, that my life was totally in control, that I could accomplish anything I wanted to, and that I didn't need anyone. And, truthfully, it's probably not far from the mark. But it's also true that I never let anyone close to me, and I'm finding out that included my husband and children in some ways, which is NOT good. So I took steps which are totally out of character for me. I let people into my life, I developed healthy relationships with quite a few people, I learned what it means to be able to forgive, I stopped being afraid, and I started to live.
But now that I've been through all this--and I have to say, I hated every step of the way!--I'm noticing that some things didn't change. I still prefer solitude to large groups of people. I still value my privacy. I'm still finding that close relationships take lots of work, sometimes more than I want to give. Some relationships I'll work on till I die, because they are SO important to me. My marriage to Darrin is one of those, and my relationships with my children, as well. But those seem to be the only ones. Now that the counseling is finished, and I no longer have my nagging counselor to remind me, my lunch dates with friends have become extremely scarce (partly because I haven't been saying "yes" when invited, and partly because I'm no longer inviting anyone), and my one-on-one time with anyone outside of Darrin and the kids is very limited.
My family started stirring around 9:30. We took our time doing Saturday chores, then ate some lunch and left to go to my niece's birthday party. The drive there takes about an hour, and I was sleepy when we arrived. I took a nap while the kids went swimming, then helped fix dinner. SOMETHING I ate stayed in me for about 10 minutes, then inspired everything else to shoot through me, as well. I was SO SICK. And we had a long drive home ahead of us. My mom suggested I'd better get a brown paper bag to take with us.
Flashback about five years:
My mom and I were driving to my sister's house on Interstate 80. We saw a car parked at the side of the freeway. We could see a person (it looked like a very large woman) squatting beside the car, dealing with urgent business. My mom made some comment about how she'd be so embarrassed to do that so close to the road--what if someone drove by who recognized her. As we passed the desperate traveler, we realized that no one would EVER recognize her--at least not by her face. She was wearing a brown paper bag on her head. My mom and I looked, then looked again, and cracked up. I think we laughed for about 10 minutes. So now, everytime we contemplate having to take an emergency road-side dump, we always talk about the brown paper bag, and no one thinks it's as funny as we do--guess you had to be there.
Darrin rescued me with some Imodium, and we made it home in fine style--no stops. It was late, so we put the kids to bed, and went to sleep.