Monday

The sun woke me a little after 5:00. I lay in bed thinking about all that's been happening inside me. I thought about a dream I had again last night. In December, I dreamed that I was going to church. I went inside and was ushered into a room in which there was a casket. I realized I was at a funeral. Everyone was waiting for me to take my turn viewing the deceased. I walked to the coffin, emotionless, unafraid. As I got closer, I realized that the person inside was David. He was dressed in a black tuxedo. I looked at him carefully, took his hand, whispered that I loved him, and kissed his cheek. Then I walked out of the room. End of dream.

The dream recurred last night. It was exactly the same, but when I took his hand, tears dropped onto that tuxedo, and I realized they were my own. I whispered, "I love you--no matter what!" I kissed his cheek, wet with my tears, and walked out the room. End of dream. I awoke, crying. I wish I understood what all this crying was about, lately.

I did my morning devotional, checked blogs/email, posted, ran. Because I didn't sleep well last night, I was tired. I couldn't seem to find my rhythm as I ran. Five strenuous miles later, I gave up and walked the last three. I can't stop thinking.

I was studying for my exam when the phone rang. It was my dad. He wanted us to go with him to a nearby city for shopping and dinner. I told him I was working. He said my boss was giving me the day off. We would have a business meeting in the car. He and I took the truck (Dad wanted to buy some yard appliances--weed eater/lawn mower/etc.) and my mom took the kids in the car. Dad and I discussed some more licensing requirements for me. His goal is for me to take the place of his current Registered Investment Advisor, which is fine. Darrin thinks it's funny that I'm finally doing all this. We (Dad and I) have talked about it for almost ten years now.

We shopped for the garden stuff. Then Mom and I took the kids to the mall, while Dad went to other Home Depot-type stores. Mom wanted to buy a new dress. My sister met us at the mall, and we "helped" our mom find stuff to try on. The sales lady watched us laughing and just shook her head. She was the same one that was there when Mom and I came to shop about three months ago, and she remembered us. She said to my mom, "You have TWO daughters?" "No," Mom answered, "I have FIVE. Aren't you glad I only brought two??" In spite of all our help, Mom found a nice dress, and insisted I buy a formal one that was on sale for $20 for my recital wardrobe. My current formal-wear has become too large. Mom said I couldn't pass up the price--so I didn't.

We met Dad for dinner at a local nice restaurant. The kids ate too much appetizer and bread before their entrees came, so they weren't very hungry. My dad sat next to me and insisted I eat. I actually was okay with that, because I was planning to. I told him he didn't need to worry about me, I was doing well. Restaurants, however, always serve way too much food, so when my dad wasn't looking, I gave half my pasta to Adam. He's 12. He's growing. He's always hungry. I ate the rest.

After dinner, I left Mom and Dad shopping, and took the kids home. We arrived at 9:30. Adam was asleep. We went inside, the kids got ready for bed and finally got to sleep around 10:30 (what takes them so long???). Darrin and I went to bed shortly afterward. I told him about my dream and cried AGAIN!! He held me, and asked me why I hadn't told me about it this morning. Honestly, I don't know. I just didn't. Darrin kissed me and said there was so much happening inside me, it was understandable that I would experience some unsettling dreams. He's right. I fell asleep in his arms, still thinking about it.