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Magical World

Wouldn't it be lovely if, with just a twitch of the nose, life, or any aspect of it could be changed. Instead, positive changes always seem to involve tremendously hard work, determination, and endless setbacks. How lovely it would be to have the powers of Samantha Stephens.

Thursday, January 18, 2007

Sleep would be nice...

I mentioned in a previous post (or maybe more than one--today I can't be held responsible for remembering) that I am having trouble sleeping because I keep reliving the molestation glory days of my life every time I drift into dreamland. That all started with the delightful blog visit of the pedophile, whose kind and thoughtful, but deranged, comments brought those memories into the foreground. In spite of all that I did consciously to deal with the trespasser, my subconscious has been unable to stop remembering.

The result of all this it that, starting on November 4th, 2006, my sleep habits became even more erratic, and I've been giving thanks to God if I get more than three hours of sleep nightly. Seventy-five days later, I'm SO FREAKING TIRED!!!! And I would love to have just one night without watching myself being raped, or dream-experiencing it. Just one. That would be really nice.

I got so desperate that I started researching lucid (directional) dreaming. I don't believe in that. I rarely find meaning in my dreams. They're usually pure entertainment. So trying to predict the outcome, or change what's happening seems pointless. Until now. Now I would do almost anything to stop the cycle. So I've been using the my research findings to try, with limited success, to change what I see when I sleep.

As the dream has repeated itself, I've come to some important realizations. I've also enlisted the help of a person I trust to support me as I work on dealing with my subconscious needs. Someday, when I'm not feeling as vulnerable, when I've had eight hours of sleep, with the permission of that person, I may blog about it. It's been an amazing journey and I can't complain about the company even a little bit.

Unfortunately, even as I make slow progress, I'm still not sleeping. In the last three nights I've had very little sleep--perhaps 7 or 8 hours total. I find that when I don't sleep I become extremely self-centered and oversensitive. Words that normally would go unnoticed seem insulting, and I spend my day frustrated and hurt for no logical reason. Add to that my disgusting craving to eat nothing but plain mayonnaise (which I loathe--I refuse to give in to this craving), and I'm completely miserable.

I would write more, but I just went blank. I have got to get some sleep.

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