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Magical World

Wouldn't it be lovely if, with just a twitch of the nose, life, or any aspect of it could be changed. Instead, positive changes always seem to involve tremendously hard work, determination, and endless setbacks. How lovely it would be to have the powers of Samantha Stephens.

Saturday, January 06, 2007

I can't stop

When realizations start to come to me, they're usually accompanied by a nasty memory or equally unhappy emotions. I'd like to shy away from them, but each time I feel that I'm about to make an important discovery, so I push forward, forcing myself to look closely at the things that make me miserable. Fortunately, I usually figure something out in the process, however small the discovery may be.

My nightmares began increasing in frequency and intensity toward the end of October. There have been times when I have stayed awake all night, simply to avoid seeing what will come when I sleep. However, as time has passed, I've come to some realizations.
1. I no longer want the abuse in the dream to stop. I think that's because I've finally realized that I can't change my past. I can't make it go away. There is less agony as I endure the acts, simply a feeling of waiting until everything is finished. I believe I've accepted that this is and always will be a part of my life, and I can continue to live in spite of it.
2. The painful part comes in the aftermath. As I watch myself deal with taking care of myself, cleaning up, putting myself back to bed, there is a horrifying longing for someone to be with me. I talked with Darrin about this a couple of days ago. He asked if I wanted to talk to him about all that happened--details about the abuse. But he is too close. There is a sense that he's really wishing he could help me, but at the same time a helpless rage because he can't make anything better. I'm not able to deal with his feelings in tandem with my own. Also, I don't want him to think of those things when he's with me--and he's with me every day. We need to see Therapist again and talk about this.
3. In my dream, I long for someone to be with me. But I want that person to be able to know everything that has happened, but still be willing to stay with me after my cousin leaves. Someone who will help me clean up, who will hold me when I tremble, who will stay with me so that I can sleep. Someone who will not go away when things are violent or ugly, but will allow me to work through all that I must do on my own, without having to do it alone. I know this makes no sense, but it's what I'm feeling. I'm still trying to take this apart and analyze all that it means in my healing process.
4. I'm getting too tired to make sense of all this. I have to sleep. But I hate reliving this each night--more than the acts themselves, I hate the incredible loneliness that follows. It gnaws at me, it means something...I have to figure this out.

1 Comments:

  • At Sunday, January 07, 2007 12:02:00 PM, Blogger G'pa Bob said…

    Good morning Samantha,

    I noticed that you have not been taking the rest you promised yourself a little earlier. But that is, I think, OK. You can trust yourself.

    I think it is good that you know the abuse will always be a part of your life. Hopefully, the sting will be soon be gone and the outcome will be useful. You certanally can live a beautiful life in spite of it and I pray for the best possible outcome.

    I think you and Darrin are on track about his not needing to know the details. No real good can come of it. I am sure that he can imagine the pain and that is probably adequate. I have known people who had great success in writing these difficult to share details down then burning the letter as a way of letting them go.

    You seem to be coming to the point where having someone who is truly with you is the best solution. Someone who will not go away when things get ugly. Someone who will help you clean up from the aftermath. Someone who will stay by you to guard your lonley night. It makes perfect, perfect, perfect sense, Samantha. This is a very healthy solution. May I recommend that you begin to look around at the many true friends who hold you close. If you can change your dream, possibly one of them could arrive just as your tormentor leaves? Arrive and take care of you (instead of pursuing your tormentor - there is plenty of time for justice but binding up the wounds must start as soon as possible)?

    My very best wishes and prayers for you,
    G'pa Bob

     

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