I can't stop
My nightmares began increasing in frequency and intensity toward the end of October. There have been times when I have stayed awake all night, simply to avoid seeing what will come when I sleep. However, as time has passed, I've come to some realizations.
1. I no longer want the abuse in the dream to stop. I think that's because I've finally realized that I can't change my past. I can't make it go away. There is less agony as I endure the acts, simply a feeling of waiting until everything is finished. I believe I've accepted that this is and always will be a part of my life, and I can continue to live in spite of it.
2. The painful part comes in the aftermath. As I watch myself deal with taking care of myself, cleaning up, putting myself back to bed, there is a horrifying longing for someone to be with me. I talked with Darrin about this a couple of days ago. He asked if I wanted to talk to him about all that happened--details about the abuse. But he is too close. There is a sense that he's really wishing he could help me, but at the same time a helpless rage because he can't make anything better. I'm not able to deal with his feelings in tandem with my own. Also, I don't want him to think of those things when he's with me--and he's with me every day. We need to see Therapist again and talk about this.
3. In my dream, I long for someone to be with me. But I want that person to be able to know everything that has happened, but still be willing to stay with me after my cousin leaves. Someone who will help me clean up, who will hold me when I tremble, who will stay with me so that I can sleep. Someone who will not go away when things are violent or ugly, but will allow me to work through all that I must do on my own, without having to do it alone. I know this makes no sense, but it's what I'm feeling. I'm still trying to take this apart and analyze all that it means in my healing process.
4. I'm getting too tired to make sense of all this. I have to sleep. But I hate reliving this each night--more than the acts themselves, I hate the incredible loneliness that follows. It gnaws at me, it means something...I have to figure this out.