It seems that every time I get close to handing things off to God, something happens that reminds me there are still things I have to work on--I'm not finished doing my part yet, whatever that means. It's frustrating. And I know I keep saying it, but I'm tired...and that part's getting worse.
My fatigue used to be emotional. I've worked really intensely since January to deal with past problems and to come to terms with who I am. Instead of finding peace and answers I seem to be encountering more stress and obstacles. The feeling of being tired has become physical, as well. I find myself unable to run as far or as often, and it's not unusual for me to doze off when I should be working. I'm just tired. And I want to be done.
A number of things cropped up with the appearance of an unexpected visitor to my blog. Things that surprised and disappointed me. Ugly things I thought were gone for good. Things I believed I'd purged from my life that returned to remind me that they never really go away, they just hide for a little while. I wouldn't admit, at first, what was happening. I was really upset/confused/frustrated/sad that I was experiencing those things again--for no good reason. But I have to look at what has happened, or it will happen again. I'm sure of this.
1. I was frightened of an unknown. No doubt this will happen again, but I'd like to not be afraid of people who don't know me, have no access to me, and no way to find me. Mostly, I'd just like to not be afraid of people.
2. I stopped cutting and other forms of self-harm by the time I was in my twenties. I've had a problem with scratching that hasn't gone away, but is largely under control. All the desires for self-harm came to the surface last week. I'm actually pretty proud of myself because I never gave in--even when I desperately wanted to. But the fact that I wanted to was horrifying. I tried to talk about this a number of times with friends, but became so overwhelmed with guilt and disgust, that I just couldn't. I hate the fact that I'm still hampered by these feelings. And truthfully, talking about it with anyone really makes me hate who I am. This is not an aspect of myself I want to accept--I just want it to go away.
3. I relapsed into my friend alienation cycle, in which I focus on one person and do all that I can to make them go away--rules of the game:
a) Say odd frightening things that make the friend uncomfortable.
b) Create tension--don't explain or dispel it.
c) Avoid the friend.
d) Be bitchy and nasty.
e) Ignore friend indefinitely.
I realized what I was doing before I got to the last step. Then I felt like crap, because the person I chose was someone I really love, who was kind of going through a bit of crisis time, himself. Fortunately for me, he's a better person than I am, and he stuck around in spite of me. But I really thought I was done with this, and I didn't even recognize what I was doing until I got to the bitchy nasty part. There's something so wrong about that--what kind of person alienates friends when she needs them the most?
4. I got really sad. I hate despair. I woke up with it--tried to sleep with it--didn't cope well with it. The sadness frustrates me. I've had people say things indicating that somehow having abuse in my life has made me a better person. I don't believe it. I'd like to believe that I'd still have all my positive traits regardless of whether or not someone used me for his selfish sexual gratification. I'd like to believe that any compassion, empathy, love or courage I may have would be present without experiencing manipulation and violence. I'm tremendously sad that the child inside of me still aches, and I don't know what to do for her.
Good things that happened this week, in connection with the above:
1. A few friends expressed feelings of protectiveness toward me. This, of course, is a little weird when I consider that I really do feel I can take care of myself. However, I realized later that this was a time when I actually did feel a need to be protected--or maybe cared for? supported? It's an interesting consideration for me, because I am, and have always been extremely independent. Admitting that I need those things is difficult for me. But when those "things" came from my friends, I felt better, more in control, less alone. So maybe I can accept them? Maybe I don't always have to protect myself? And even though it was all figurative, I was amazed at how much stronger I felt, knowing I wasn't fighting alone. I need to think about this.
2. Things got better. I wasn't sure they would. Saturday was a day of relief. Yesterday was a day of sleeping--at the most inopportune moments--but still, sleep. Tabitha gave me her shoulder during church, and laughed when I really did fall doze off. Later I fell asleep on a couch in the lobby, then I dozed while chatting online--bad idea. Today everything seems to have leveled off, which is good all-around. Tomorrow I get to see Therapist. I have lots of questions for him.
3. I learned a lot about myself. I didn't like most of what I learned, but that's okay. And I made it through one more "down" time. Those seem to be happening with less frequency, so I'm looking at the big picture, and pronouncing progress. It's hard because the intensity of emotion within each "down" seems to be increasing, but the duration is decreasing. I don't understand it, but there it is.
Analysis is finished. No conclusions drawn. I'll leave that for another day.