Surreal

I have a wonderful friend, Lydia, whom I love. She's about ten years older than I, but we have always had a wonderful friendship. We meet regularly for lunch. Last year Lydia met another "life partner" (her third) and is now enjoying time with her.

When we first started meeting for lunch, about three years after I graduated, she told me I was one of the most beautiful straight people she knows. I took the compliment--after all, how many people hear that in their lifetimes? Unfortunately, Lydia also knows it makes me a bit uncomfortable when she says stuff like that (although she has no idea why), and she takes it a bit far sometimes. She's been bugging me lately because I rarely wear my wedding bands. Here is our conversation at lunch today:

Lydia: I'm telling you, guys keep hitting on you.
Samantha: Like you can tell!!
L: I can. I may be a lesbian, but I know hormones when they happen, regardless of the gender.
S: Can we talk about something else?
L: I think this is fun. Let's stay on this subject.
S: You are not my friend today.
L: I'm your best friend today, because I'm going to prove something to you, my oblivious beautiful friend.
S: Stop saying that!
L: Watch this...

At that point our waiter came to take our orders. He was in his mid to late twenties, and even I (who rarely notice these things) had to admit, he was very cute. He paused and began to talk to us about the day, and asked if we'd decided what to order. We placed our orders, and the waiter turned to leave.

L: Can I ask you a question?
Waiter: Sure.
L: Would you say my friend Samantha, here, is beautiful?
W: Ummm...yes?
L: I'm just asking for an honest opinion. And just so you know, she's straight, and I'm not.
W: Well! I don't get asked questions like this every day.
Sam: Lydia, leave him alone.
W: Actually, I would have to say yes.
S: You don't have to say anything.
W (looking me in the eye): That's true. I still say yes.
S: I'm not giving you a larger tip if you say that, you know.
W: You don't have to give me ANY tip.

He left. I was getting upset.

S: Lydia, I can't believe you just did that!!
L: Sam! I can't believe you don't notice!!
S: I don't have to notice! I'm married!
L: So...why don't you wear your ring?
S: Because I hate wearing rings! That doesn't make me not married!
L: Well, if you're not going to wear it, then you should be aware of what can happen.
S: I'm changing the subject.
L: Okay.

We ate. The food was great, my mood was lousy. The waiter checked on us six times, which was certainly excessive, each time engaging Lydia in a conversation which always led back to me. Lydia watched over it all smugly, and I squirmed in discomfort. When the waiter came to get our payment, he looked at the ticket and cracked up.

Sam: What?
Waiter (to Lydia): Is this for real?
Lydia: Oh, yes.
W (to me): Is your phone number XXX-XXXX?
S: LYDIA!!!
L: Yes?
W: If I call you, will you go out with me?
S: NO!!! I'm married!
W (to Lydia): An important point you forgot to mention.
L: Yes, well, you WOULD ask her out if she wasn't married, wouldn't you?
W: Without question. (turning to me) It really was a pleasure serving you today.

Lydia cracked up, the waiter gave me a very amazing smile and left.

S: Lydia, I think I hate you.
L: Nobody hates me. Lunch next month at that vegetarian place?
S: Okay--but we ARE going to talk about this before then--you can't do that to me again.
L: Well, maybe. Call me tonight. We'll talk.

She is definitely getting a phone call tonight.