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Magical World

Wouldn't it be lovely if, with just a twitch of the nose, life, or any aspect of it could be changed. Instead, positive changes always seem to involve tremendously hard work, determination, and endless setbacks. How lovely it would be to have the powers of Samantha Stephens.

Saturday, December 30, 2006


I've spent the last few days visiting with many different people, and I've recognized a number of things:

1. I love my sister and her family in very small doses.
2. Some people love and tolerate me--in very small doses.
3. Tito is gracious even when people drop in unwelcome and uninvited.
4. Tolkien Boy has pointed out on a number of occasions that I am somewhat unique--and although I believe he was not being derogatory, what that amounts to is that I really fit in nowhere, which is sometimes uncomfortable, but certainly something I should be getting used to.
5. David spent some time last night discussing his feelings and asking questions pertaining to SSA/SGA/homosexuality/being gay. AtP said he has enough friends available to him if he feels a need to talk about the same subject. Although I am perfectly willing to discuss their feelings with them, I, myself, am unable to talk about it personally. I'm not sure what that means, but I'm afraid it might mean they're more mature than I am--which is sort of pathetic.
6. I've been taking a break. I don't want to think about anything frustrating, depressing, frightening, or emotional right now. I don't want to do anymore "healing". I'm tired and even though I know I'm making progress, it all feels overwhelming right now. Add to that the fact that my sister is going out of her way to make certain we only talk about the weather--very tiring.
7. I need to go home and hibernate for a day or two, regroup, re-emerge as Sister Stevens: seminary teacher, Laurel advisor, perfect and perfectly happy. This is how I feel--because pretending everything is wonderful takes less energy than acknowledging the things I've found out about me and my life over the last year.

All in all, I have to say I've been really happy to see/meet those that I've visited with these last few days--I need to do it again when I'm less messed up.

I did get to see my favorite cousin, Jeff, tonight. He's my favorite for a reason. He makes me feel at peace--as if no matter what I do, no matter who I am, he just loves me. I wish I could surround myself with people like that.


  • At Sunday, December 31, 2006 8:21:00 AM, Blogger G'pa Bob said…

    1. Very good to love the company of your sister...
    2. Very good that some tolerate your company...
    3. Good for Tito but please do not compare...
    4. A checkerboard has only two colors of very dead pieces on 64 squares of only two colors. Life has thousands of wonderful living characters with no board. People fit in between other people which makes aloneness a part of life.
    5. We love you where you are and we love what you will become.
    6. Each selfaware person needs a break from time to time.
    7. Fake it 'till you make it is a true principle!!
    I have prayed for Jeff's gift. I pray that we can be so loving that you do not feel messed up - just incomplete like the rest of us "for all fall short of the glory of God."
    Happy new year, Samantha!!!
    G'pa Bob

  • At Sunday, December 31, 2006 11:26:00 AM, Blogger Silus Grok said…

    So GOOD to see you last week — an absolute delight.

    Please give my regards to your family, they were all very sweet.

  • At Monday, January 01, 2007 10:22:00 PM, Blogger Samantha said…

    g'pa bob: Thank you. I love your insight and comments.


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