It's a bad day. I say this after a night full of terrifying dreams--dreams I thought I had left behind me. And I'm starting to realize that even though I fiercely contend that I am more than the things I have experienced, it's not true. I am the sum of my experiences. I can't make them go away, they have shaped who I am, and inevitably, all that I have worked for to get beyond the things that make me sad may be pointless.

I'm locked into the why's. Why was I the chosen one? Why didn't I have the strength of character to run? Why can't I make this better? Why would anyone do the things done to me--to a child? Why did I have to grow up before I was twelve years old? Why can't I get over this? Why can't I let go? Why do I feel that things are getting better, only to have everything return full force because of an incident of stupidity? Why can't all the good things in my life make the bad things just disappear? Why can't I stop feeling used and filthy?

I realized yesterday that I adore my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. I love them desperately--because without them there is no hope for my life. I can't continue unless I believe that somehow, someday I can figure out how to release all my fear and sadness to someone else. Otherwise it will destroy me. In spite of all this, there is something inside me that says God and Christ love everyone else, but there is too little that is worth loving in me. My head tells me that's completely false--that's not how things work. God is no respecter of persons. I've been preaching that all my life. But I realized that I also consider myself a little less than human, and certainly not worthy of being loved by deity.

I've been thinking about my perception of love lately, which might have been apparent to anyone who has chatted with me recently. When I love someone it's tangible and joyful--and I am powerless to make that stop. I remember telling David once that it didn't matter what he did, I would always love him. That wasn't a promise of conscious effort, it was a statement of fact. I am unable to stop loving--I know this--I've tried. This puts me in the unenviable position of being vulnerable and easily hurt, and no doubt cheapens the value of that love, but the facts remain the same in any case. Once I've seen who you are, once I start loving, I'm lost. You could become an axe murderer and I'd probably say, "Yes, that person is a really horrible axe murderer, and I love him/her so much." I'm hopeless.

Unfortunately, I can't seem to accept love on the same level that I give it. A friend will say she loves me and I immediately think, she loves me because I help her out when she's in need, or because I let her talk to me, or because we have fun together or she perceives me as a happy person--but if she knew I'm sad most of the time, or that I feel worthless, or that sometimes I would rather die than eat--that love would be withdrawn. I think I feel the same way about God and Christ, even though they do know what I'm really like. I feel that as long as they have use for me, they love me--but when I am no longer useful, that love will be withdrawn--because I'm not really like the rest of their children. Something about me invites abusive situations, and deep inside I'm certain that's a character flaw that makes me inherently unlovable.

Now, because I'm not stupid, I know all that stuff is completely untrue. However, knowing something with one's head, and feeling it with one's heart are two different things. Unfortunately for me, the glaring differences between what the Lord says about loving all his children equally, and my perception of myself as a creature who is not quite a child of God seems to be keeping me from progressing like I want to. I need to figure this out. I'm feeling overwhelmed by the deeply illogical feelings inside, and I can't seem to turn things around.