There are times when I look at my life and wonder...times when I wallow in self-pity as I try to figure out all that has happened...when I'm certain I'm never going to become the person I want to be, because I have so very far to go.
Then people clarify for me the things that are important, and help me remember what I'm really seeking. They don't have to spell it out for me. Just by hearing their shared feelings and experiences, I remember.
Today I visited El Veneno. He shared his experience of giving service to the Lord:
"I just got back from three hours of vacuuming in the temple. It was our ward temple cleaning assignment. Vacuuming made me nostalgic for my glory days at the Marriott Center, but late night vacuuming in the Lord's house turned out to be better than any BYU custodial experience. I felt an amazing calm. My mind stopped spinning and everything felt strangely fine. I really didn't want the moment to end. I don't want this feeling to go away... which is probably why I'm still awake right now. As soon as I get in bed, I'll have a blink of an eye and I'll be late for work again and back in the dark and dreary world.
"I'm thankful for the occasional little glimpses of heaven that make reality a bit easier to swallow."
I have to admit, I've begrudged the Lord my time in the temple lately. I've felt a little bit like the things I've been asked to experience are beyond my ability to endure. More than that, I've wanted so much for those things to just go away and leave me alone. It won't happen. And wanting that spectacular disappearance is pointless.
As I read El V's experience, I realized that much of what is hurting me now--is over. The Lord has been trying to soothe my soul, to help me heal, and I've been ranting and raving so loudly that I can't hear him telling me he loves me, he'll help me, he's always been with me. I realized that the reason I never want to leave my seminary class is because that's when I'm listening intently to the Spirit as it whispers the things I need to share with my students--it's a place where I'm close to my Heavenly Father. I lose that closeness when I go home, or to work, and start battling with myself as I try to unravel all the why's and wherefore's of what makes me sad.
I'm not saying I need to stop working through the emotional mess I'm in. I'm just thinking it might be easier if I let the Lord have a hand in it, and stop blaming him for allowing the mess to happen in the first place. Because really, I'm the one who made the choice to come to this life, and I really believe I knew what I was in for before I came. I also think, because he loves me, that my Father told me he'd make sure I didn't have to endure the things that hurt me, alone. And if I make it through this--if I can rebuild my soul that was disgraced by another-- if I can love my spouse faithfully, in spite of feelings for others that might make themselves manifest--if I can serve as I've been asked--if I can love others with all my heart--if I can, someday, forgive myself of all the things I wish I had not done--I think my Heavenly Father might even be a little bit proud of me. And I hope he'll be happy that I'm his daughter.
"I'm thankful for the occasional little glimpses of heaven that make reality a bit easier to swallow."
I'm thankful for people who have those glimpses, who aren't ashamed to share them, who remind me that I need to keep looking forward. I am more than the sum of my experiences. I need to remember that.
Then people clarify for me the things that are important, and help me remember what I'm really seeking. They don't have to spell it out for me. Just by hearing their shared feelings and experiences, I remember.
Today I visited El Veneno. He shared his experience of giving service to the Lord:
"I just got back from three hours of vacuuming in the temple. It was our ward temple cleaning assignment. Vacuuming made me nostalgic for my glory days at the Marriott Center, but late night vacuuming in the Lord's house turned out to be better than any BYU custodial experience. I felt an amazing calm. My mind stopped spinning and everything felt strangely fine. I really didn't want the moment to end. I don't want this feeling to go away... which is probably why I'm still awake right now. As soon as I get in bed, I'll have a blink of an eye and I'll be late for work again and back in the dark and dreary world.
"I'm thankful for the occasional little glimpses of heaven that make reality a bit easier to swallow."
I have to admit, I've begrudged the Lord my time in the temple lately. I've felt a little bit like the things I've been asked to experience are beyond my ability to endure. More than that, I've wanted so much for those things to just go away and leave me alone. It won't happen. And wanting that spectacular disappearance is pointless.
As I read El V's experience, I realized that much of what is hurting me now--is over. The Lord has been trying to soothe my soul, to help me heal, and I've been ranting and raving so loudly that I can't hear him telling me he loves me, he'll help me, he's always been with me. I realized that the reason I never want to leave my seminary class is because that's when I'm listening intently to the Spirit as it whispers the things I need to share with my students--it's a place where I'm close to my Heavenly Father. I lose that closeness when I go home, or to work, and start battling with myself as I try to unravel all the why's and wherefore's of what makes me sad.
I'm not saying I need to stop working through the emotional mess I'm in. I'm just thinking it might be easier if I let the Lord have a hand in it, and stop blaming him for allowing the mess to happen in the first place. Because really, I'm the one who made the choice to come to this life, and I really believe I knew what I was in for before I came. I also think, because he loves me, that my Father told me he'd make sure I didn't have to endure the things that hurt me, alone. And if I make it through this--if I can rebuild my soul that was disgraced by another-- if I can love my spouse faithfully, in spite of feelings for others that might make themselves manifest--if I can serve as I've been asked--if I can love others with all my heart--if I can, someday, forgive myself of all the things I wish I had not done--I think my Heavenly Father might even be a little bit proud of me. And I hope he'll be happy that I'm his daughter.
"I'm thankful for the occasional little glimpses of heaven that make reality a bit easier to swallow."
I'm thankful for people who have those glimpses, who aren't ashamed to share them, who remind me that I need to keep looking forward. I am more than the sum of my experiences. I need to remember that.
posted by Samantha @ 7:47 AM
2 Comments:
At Thursday, December 07, 2006 4:51:00 AM,
G'pa Bob said…
I remember. I remember screaming at the world and Father as I drove alone on a long trip. Would my insanity never end? I remember complaining that the standard answers did not seem to be working.
Then came 6:30 am, Feb 12th, 1990. I woke up (at 44+ years old) loving myself and all I had gone through. Not that I would ever volunteer to do anything like that again. I still shudder.
I realized clearly over the next few days that the longer the journey the more one can learn. There is no journey longer than one that starts out with having being put in a pit by those who should, instead, have elevated me.
One can not sleep through the journey of self. One must stay at (or at least revisit) every point of interest until each point is understood.
Keep fanning the ember of self. A beautiful flame will burst forth.
G'pa Bob
At Thursday, December 07, 2006 3:12:00 PM,
Samantha said…
Thank you, g'pa bob. I really don't want to wait until I'm 44 to figure out how to live, but I suppose, if I have to, I will. I appreciate your words. There are times when I need to hear about the experiences of others--which is a large part of why I blog. Again, thanks.
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