It is in talking with others that I usually discover things I've always known, but not wanted to admit. It is here that I'm able to safely explore those discoveries. I'm not certain why it is so difficult for me to explore these things on my own--perhaps I need affirmation from someone else that I'm not crazy or stupid--that there is validity in my thoughts or feelings. Regardless of the reason, it is true that I'm learning more and more about the different ways I was affected by the events of my young life. And I just have to say to those of you who offer positive advice and comments, who send support in e-mail, who offer encouragement, and who listen when I need to talk--I owe you a great debt, and I'm so grateful that you're there.

Following is a discussion I had last night in which I accepted some things I have been avoiding for many years.


Sam: Advise me? My pedophile is continuing to visit and post on my blog. Is it time to start deleting his comments?

One Who Allows Me To Talk About Anything: What do you mean, "time"? Do you want to delete them?

S: There's a part of me that feels like I'm traveling back in time whenever he visits; that I'm being violated again.
But part of me also doesn't want to delete him, because then I feel like I'm alone again, and hiding.
I don't like that.

OWAMTTAA: Hmmm. That's difficult. Why does it make you feel alone to get rid of him?

S: He said: "My studies—academic journals—don’t qualify this statement, especially considering most intergenerational sex, just like adult-adult sex, is in fact consensual, loving, nurturing, and beneficial to both parties"
I feel alone because the first time I had to do everything alone--I felt that I had to do everything alone, and part of me wanted help.
I should have had help!!! I was ELEVEN damned years old!!

OWAMTTAA: Yes, you should have.
And he is wrong.
But you have help, now?

S: And now, I'm not eleven anymore. And I don't need help.

OWAMTTAA: You don't need help?

S: But I still don't want to do this alone.

OWAMTTAA: Do you think this pedophile is going to help you?

S: No. The truth is, I can ask him to go away, and he might.

OWAMTTAA: Yes.

S: The ugly truth is, I'm still afraid of him.

OWAMTTAA: I would be, too. And you want to see if you can handle his existence?

S: No, not really. I think, somehow, I still want my parents, siblings, SOMEONE to protect me. Which is silly, now that I'm grown up.

OWAMTTAA: No, that's not silly at all.

S: For me--completely out of character. I've never allowed anyone to protect me--ever.
So, this feels pretty strange and uncomfortable.

OWAMTTAA: It's good to admit to, though.

S: Maybe, but a little pointless, probably.

OWAMTTAA: How so? You want someone to come in and protect you. Because someone should have.

S: That's true--but now I'm confused and I don't know what to do next.

OWAMTTAA: Want me to come in and tell him to back off?

S: I think I want everyone I know, their immediate families, extended families, friends, and enemies to do that.

OWAMTTAA: Okay. And they should. It is a little different, because you're an adult now.

S: Okay, subject change?

OWAMTTAA: If you like.

S: I think so. I feel like I just had a temper tantrum.

OWAMTTAA: It's well-deserved, though. I think you should have a succession of temper tantrums. Be as shrieky and unreasonable as you can. It is, I think, sometimes, the problem with being smart. We don't always allow ourselves to have human emotions, because the vast bulk of human emotions aren't fair or don't make sense.

S: Well, it's true, I don't allow myself to feel lots of things, because they don't make sense. I'll have to think about that.

OWAMTTAA: I once had to force myself to cry and yell at God.
Because I wanted to, and because it was killing me to tell myself, "It won't do any good, I'll just be wrong to do it."
It was probably the most honest I had been with him up to that point.


S: But, when I do that kind of thing, I feel worse when I'm done.

OWAMTTAA: Interesting. I felt better. Because I really was angry. And I hadn't been able to express it. And...I didn't feel like God hated me for it. Life went on.

S: I think I feel worse, because for me, about the worst thing I can do is lose control--and that feels like a loss of control.

OWAMTTAA: Control of what, though?

S: Obviously I have control issues--the what seems to be unimportant. Hence--eating disorder.
and compulsive exercise.

OWAMTTAA: I think we're almost diametrically opposed there.
I tend to be very fatalistic.

S: I don't think it's a natural tendency. I hate to keep relating everything to this, but I think it stems from that time when I had, or seemed to have, no control. I can't let that happen again--the loss of control, or allowing another to control me.

OWAMTTAA: Why would you be sorry to go back to that?
It was a hugely important moment in your development.

S: I suppose because there's so much more to me than those months. And I don't want them to define who I am.

OWAMTTAA: They don't. But, it still was important. And needs to be addressed, even still.

S: I know.

OWAMTTAA: I know. I don't know why I told you. Except that you never need to apologize to me for bringing it up. I mean, I talk about gayness all the time , it feels like. And that's a miniscule part of me.

S: Actually, I hope you talk about whatever you want--if that happens to be gayness, then that's fine.
And you're right.

OWAMTTAA: Well, I talk about gayness because for 23 years I couldn't talk about it to anyone.
There's a backlog. And it's hugely important in my development.

S: That would be my reasoning for talking about abuse, I suppose. Okay--I still don't know what I want to do, but at least I got to scream about it. I think that's good.

OWAMTTAA: :) See? And I still love you.= :)

S: Thanks. Really.

OWAMTTAA: Sorry, though, that I didn't have anything useful to say about what to do.

S: I'm not sure there is anything useful to say.