Following is a discussion I had last night in which I accepted some things I have been avoiding for many years.
Sam: Advise me? My pedophile is continuing to visit and post on my blog. Is it time to start deleting his comments?
One Who Allows Me To Talk About Anything: What do you mean, "time"? Do you want to delete them?
S: There's a part of me that feels like I'm traveling back in time whenever he visits; that I'm being violated again.
But part of me also doesn't want to delete him, because then I feel like I'm alone again, and hiding.
I don't like that.
OWAMTTAA: Hmmm. That's difficult. Why does it make you feel alone to get rid of him?
S: He said: "My studies—academic journals—don’t qualify this statement, especially considering most intergenerational sex, just like adult-adult sex, is in fact consensual, loving, nurturing, and beneficial to both parties"
I feel alone because the first time I had to do everything alone--I felt that I had to do everything alone, and part of me wanted help.
I should have had help!!! I was ELEVEN damned years old!!
OWAMTTAA: Yes, you should have.
And he is wrong.
But you have help, now?
S: And now, I'm not eleven anymore. And I don't need help.
OWAMTTAA: You don't need help?
S: But I still don't want to do this alone.
OWAMTTAA: Do you think this pedophile is going to help you?
S: No. The truth is, I can ask him to go away, and he might.
S: The ugly truth is, I'm still afraid of him.
OWAMTTAA: I would be, too. And you want to see if you can handle his existence?
S: No, not really. I think, somehow, I still want my parents, siblings, SOMEONE to protect me. Which is silly, now that I'm grown up.
OWAMTTAA: No, that's not silly at all.
S: For me--completely out of character. I've never allowed anyone to protect me--ever.
So, this feels pretty strange and uncomfortable.
OWAMTTAA: It's good to admit to, though.
S: Maybe, but a little pointless, probably.
OWAMTTAA: How so? You want someone to come in and protect you. Because someone should have.
S: That's true--but now I'm confused and I don't know what to do next.
OWAMTTAA: Want me to come in and tell him to back off?
S: I think I want everyone I know, their immediate families, extended families, friends, and enemies to do that.
OWAMTTAA: Okay. And they should. It is a little different, because you're an adult now.
S: Okay, subject change?
OWAMTTAA: If you like.
S: I think so. I feel like I just had a temper tantrum.
OWAMTTAA: It's well-deserved, though. I think you should have a succession of temper tantrums. Be as shrieky and unreasonable as you can. It is, I think, sometimes, the problem with being smart. We don't always allow ourselves to have human emotions, because the vast bulk of human emotions aren't fair or don't make sense.
S: Well, it's true, I don't allow myself to feel lots of things, because they don't make sense. I'll have to think about that.
OWAMTTAA: I once had to force myself to cry and yell at God.
Because I wanted to, and because it was killing me to tell myself, "It won't do any good, I'll just be wrong to do it."
It was probably the most honest I had been with him up to that point.
S: But, when I do that kind of thing, I feel worse when I'm done.
OWAMTTAA: Interesting. I felt better. Because I really was angry. And I hadn't been able to express it. And...I didn't feel like God hated me for it. Life went on.
S: I think I feel worse, because for me, about the worst thing I can do is lose control--and that feels like a loss of control.
OWAMTTAA: Control of what, though?
S: Obviously I have control issues--the what seems to be unimportant. Hence--eating disorder.
and compulsive exercise.
OWAMTTAA: I think we're almost diametrically opposed there.
I tend to be very fatalistic.
S: I don't think it's a natural tendency. I hate to keep relating everything to this, but I think it stems from that time when I had, or seemed to have, no control. I can't let that happen again--the loss of control, or allowing another to control me.
OWAMTTAA: Why would you be sorry to go back to that?
It was a hugely important moment in your development.
S: I suppose because there's so much more to me than those months. And I don't want them to define who I am.
OWAMTTAA: They don't. But, it still was important. And needs to be addressed, even still.
S: I know.
OWAMTTAA: I know. I don't know why I told you. Except that you never need to apologize to me for bringing it up. I mean, I talk about gayness all the time , it feels like. And that's a miniscule part of me.
S: Actually, I hope you talk about whatever you want--if that happens to be gayness, then that's fine.
And you're right.
OWAMTTAA: Well, I talk about gayness because for 23 years I couldn't talk about it to anyone.
There's a backlog. And it's hugely important in my development.
S: That would be my reasoning for talking about abuse, I suppose. Okay--I still don't know what I want to do, but at least I got to scream about it. I think that's good.
OWAMTTAA: :) See? And I still love you.= :)
S: Thanks. Really.
OWAMTTAA: Sorry, though, that I didn't have anything useful to say about what to do.
S: I'm not sure there is anything useful to say.