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Magical World

Wouldn't it be lovely if, with just a twitch of the nose, life, or any aspect of it could be changed. Instead, positive changes always seem to involve tremendously hard work, determination, and endless setbacks. How lovely it would be to have the powers of Samantha Stephens.

Wednesday, July 05, 2006


I awoke feeling as if something was wrong. It was very light in my room, instead of the usual dimness that I see as the sun rises. I looked over to Darrin's side. It was empty. I grabbed my glasses to look at the clock--8:25. What happened???? I never sleep this late. Darrin was obviously at work, and had decided not to wake anyone for family prayer this morning. I did my morning devotional, knowing that it would be too hot to run this morning--I usually get out there before 7:00. I was trying to decide if I was grateful for the extra sleep, or confused as to how I was able to STAY asleep this morning.

My dad showed up about an hour after I awoke. I had gotten a prescription for my mom on Saturday, so he wanted to reimburse me for it. My parents are leaving today to go visit my grandmother in Idaho. Dad invited Tabitha to join them. She ran to pack. They left around 10:00.

DJ, Adam, and I folded laundry and did some other chores together. We made plans for the next couple of days and talked about some activities DJ wants to do. Darrin joined us for lunch and worked a bit on the car. After he left, DJ, Adam and I walked to my parents' house to borrow my dad's truck. We'll keep it for a couple of days while they're gone, and hopefully, Darrin will get to the car shortly after that.

We shopped for dinner, groceries, and other necessities. Then we went to the video store and chose a couple of videos. We went home and did more chores (Saturday we didn't do much of anything, so there's still lots to do), and watched one of the videos. Darrin arrived at 6:30. Adam and I went for a walk, leaving DJ and Darrin to make dinner. I need to talk with my 12-year-old.
Adam and I went up on the ridge where I usually run. We talked about some of the problems we're having with communication. Today, when we got back from the store, he argued with me over whether or not he was carrying a bag with cheese in it, adamantly insisting he was not. I didn't argue, just followed him into the house waited for him to set the bag down, then had him reach inside and take out the cheese. This happens all the time. Adam says no one listens to him. I thought maybe more people would listen if he thought a little more carefully before he spoke. We talked about the cheese. I said, "Adam, all you had to do was look in the bag--but you were too busy telling me I was wrong. How did you feel when you found out I wasn't?" He admitted to feeling pretty stupid. He said he feels like DJ and David can talk to me anytime, but I won't let him talk, and he doesn't understand why David comes to see me all the time.

In the most basic of terms, I told Adam that David was having some sadness in his life, and he needed some help outside his family. I asked him how he felt about David. Adam said David was the "coolest" and he liked having him around. He just thought it was weird that David was friends with ME. Well, I can understand that...I didn't say anything. Then Adam said, "But David's not the only one that wants to be friends with you. Lots of kids are." I pointed out to Adam that I really do spend most of my time with grown-ups, and that many of the kids I'm "friends" with, are my piano students. He agreed--but then pointed out that when I'm at youth activities for the church I'm always talking and playing with the kids. I asked if that bothered him. He said no, he just noticed.

Adam asked what David and I discuss when he comes. I told him we talk about school, but usually we just talk about whatever David wants to. Adam asked if he and I could talk like that, too. I said, "Adam, we ARE." He said, "You mean you two just talk like we're talking now?" "Just like that," I said. We went home and had a late supper.

Darrin and I put the boys to bed at 10:00, after watching the second video--and THAT'S enough TV for a week!! Darrin read through the recent e-mail sent to me by David, and made some suggestions and comments. We went to bed around midnight. Once again, I felt an overwhelming desire to cry. This time that feeling was more powerful than it has ever been before. I felt terribly sad, filled with grief. I couldn't stop the tears from coming, but stayed still and quiet until Darrin slept. Then I went into the bathroom and sobbed. Why is this happening??

I went back to bed and fell asleep.


  • At Wednesday, July 05, 2006 5:31:00 PM, Blogger AttemptingthePath said…

    you know what?

    I think you have the most...REAL blog concerning this, it isn't full of angst it's just real... if that makes sense.

    youre amazing, i'm so glad i could "meet" you through blogger.

  • At Thursday, July 06, 2006 8:15:00 AM, Blogger Ward Cleaver said…

    I am NO therapist.
    My comments are just that...mine.
    My opinion.

    I sense that, somehow, you are connecting your past sexual abuse to the sex you're currently having with your husband. You are connecting the sex ACT. When you make is a one-of-a-kind act with that person.

    Did therapy help in that department in the past?

    Your talk with Adam seems wonderful and well done.

  • At Thursday, July 06, 2006 8:30:00 AM, Blogger Samantha said…

    Actually, I never really discussed this with my therapist. The first time I felt the phenomenon, there were so many other issues bothering me (cutting, eating, anger...) that I never brought it up extensively. I just thought it would go away--and it seemed to, for awhile. Now it rears its ugly head again.

    I love Adam.


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