I talked with another friend about my anger/hatred issues. I'm told that it's normal and okay for me to have these feelings. It does not feel normal. It does not feel okay. It feels scary, and dark, and frustrating.
I made some decisions today.
1. I decided I don't want to think about my past. I'm don't want to talk about it. I don't want it. I can't change any of it, but I think I'll just ignore it for awhile, and maybe it will go away. Hey, it works with people.
2. A friend I met at the Evergreen Conference told me that his preconceived impression of me, from reading my blog, was that I was a scary, angry woman. I've decided he's right. I am. I'm not sure what to do about that, but facts are facts. But I'd like to be someone different. I can't be, if I'm always consumed by stupid things that aren't important anymore. So I'm changing my focus. I think if I always write about funny, fluffy things, he can't be afraid of me, and I'll feel better, too.
3. I've decided I'm not gay. No one thinks I am. I don't act like I am. I'm married. I have children. As long as I'm ignoring my feelings, I'll add SSA to the mix. Again, if it's ignored, surely it will go away.
Okay, while I admit that all those decisions are stupid, I still want them. And I have to see stupid Therapist with Darrin on Wednesday. And Darrin's going to tell me I'm not allowed to make those decisions. But what he doesn't understand is that I'm tired. I'm tired of knowing I'm inadequate, and that I CAN'T DO THIS anymore. I'm moving from "unwell" to "crazy" and I need to just stop. I think there should be a therapeutic "recess" available to me, when I can take a break from feeling.