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Magical World

Wouldn't it be lovely if, with just a twitch of the nose, life, or any aspect of it could be changed. Instead, positive changes always seem to involve tremendously hard work, determination, and endless setbacks. How lovely it would be to have the powers of Samantha Stephens.

Sunday, September 24, 2006

I talked with Darrin for awhile last night. We discussed my stupid counseling assignment and so much more. He assured me that he's still glad to be married to me--which is good, because in the event that he decides otherwise, I will have to move into an old Victorian mansion and raise snakes and reptiles, and, let's face it--they're lovely, but not very cuddly.

I talked with another friend about my anger/hatred issues. I'm told that it's normal and okay for me to have these feelings. It does not feel normal. It does not feel okay. It feels scary, and dark, and frustrating.

I made some decisions today.
1. I decided I don't want to think about my past. I'm don't want to talk about it. I don't want it. I can't change any of it, but I think I'll just ignore it for awhile, and maybe it will go away. Hey, it works with people.
2. A friend I met at the Evergreen Conference told me that his preconceived impression of me, from reading my blog, was that I was a scary, angry woman. I've decided he's right. I am. I'm not sure what to do about that, but facts are facts. But I'd like to be someone different. I can't be, if I'm always consumed by stupid things that aren't important anymore. So I'm changing my focus. I think if I always write about funny, fluffy things, he can't be afraid of me, and I'll feel better, too.
3. I've decided I'm not gay. No one thinks I am. I don't act like I am. I'm married. I have children. As long as I'm ignoring my feelings, I'll add SSA to the mix. Again, if it's ignored, surely it will go away.

Okay, while I admit that all those decisions are stupid, I still want them. And I have to see stupid Therapist with Darrin on Wednesday. And Darrin's going to tell me I'm not allowed to make those decisions. But what he doesn't understand is that I'm tired. I'm tired of knowing I'm inadequate, and that I CAN'T DO THIS anymore. I'm moving from "unwell" to "crazy" and I need to just stop. I think there should be a therapeutic "recess" available to me, when I can take a break from feeling.

5 Comments:

  • At Sunday, September 24, 2006 9:57:00 PM, Anonymous Lynne said…

    Ok... I just have to say it - I've been reading your blog & I don't see where you've come across as an angry, scary person. Perspective is such an interesting thing - I've actually been extremely impressed with your ability to face your challenges. Of course, maybe I'm an angry, scary person too so I'm oblivious to having the ability to see myself in others.

    :) Ok, I'm rambling - tylenol pm kicking in & not a coherent thought process in my brain.

     
  • At Sunday, September 24, 2006 10:44:00 PM, Blogger AttemptingthePath said…

    I love you, and if that crazy stage kicks in, i'll bring you frozen cookie dough and we can laugh at scary people.

    maybe they WILL let us be next door neighbors. that could be fun.

    I love you. I want you to be okay.

    *hug*

     
  • At Monday, September 25, 2006 1:58:00 AM, Blogger Naked Native said…

    For some strange reason, I am feeling really guilty. You are a wonderful woman. I personally felt a lot better being around you because of you wonderful attitude. I was a little uncomfortable at the beginning of EG but just seeing what a wonderful wife you were to support your gay husband.....(who's not so gay afterall)was amazing! hahaha I loved you even more when I found out the oppisite. You were seriously a breath of fresh air for me and I am very happy to know you. If I ever bother or annoy you, just let me know. HA! "Naked...back off" haha

     
  • At Monday, September 25, 2006 8:24:00 AM, Blogger Master Fob said…

    Well, yeah, but... and old Victorian mansion? How can you say no to that?

    Samantha, whoever thought you were an angry, scary person has obviously not been reading your blog. Maybe he glanced at it once or twice, but he's not read it.

     
  • At Monday, September 25, 2006 10:09:00 AM, Blogger Rebecca said…

    Yeah, I'm on the side of not so much scary and angry. I mean, sure, sometimes angry. And maybe sometimes scary (although I'm not seeing it so much). But also sometimes funny, frustrated, overwhelmed, charming, controlled, intelligent, analytical -- to name a few. Complex. You know, like a HUMAN.

    PS: sorry if something like this is posted twice - the comment box is not being friendly.

     

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